Scheduled, Overscheduled or Just Right?

Many of us are already overscheduled, so I know you don’t want to hear about more items for your calendar, but…

If you want to be ready to face all the competing demands of work, family, friends, the world, your public (okay, just wanted to make sure you were paying attention), you have to be disciplined in ways you may not be accustomed to considering.

Take food and exercise, for instance. How many hours do you go without eating? What happens after you’ve gone for 5 hours without food? Do you start getting tired? A touch irritable? Maybe you notice your thinking becoming a bit foggy. Do you snack? Little Debbies or Cliff Bars? How about exercise? How many times a week do you put in the magic 30 minutes?

In The Power of Full Engagement, Loehr & Schwartz argue that planning eating and exercise, along with sleep, breaks from work and lots of other useful routines, help us perform at higher levels. I’ve just written about some of these ideas relating to athletic performance in my newsletter about Maintaining Focus Under Pressure, but it’s not just for athletes.

No matter what your job, doctor, lawyer, Indian chief (oops, politically incorrect I’m sure), routines matter. I love the way Loehr & Schwartz talk about starting the day, when you’re fresh, with big projects, think pieces and the like, instead of checking your email. They also discuss taking time out for pleasurable activities and positive emotions, both of which are renewing.

And don’t forget to laugh…it might help you live longer, or at least stronger.

Values in Action, or, Can we Give Michael Phelps a Break?

Michael Phelps entertained us with his ability to perform the equivalent of leaping off tall buildings in a single bound. He brought home the bacon (okay, it was actually gold) giving us a renewed sense of our country’s greatness. He loved mom and, well, grits and pancakes, among other typically American foods. But with one fell swoop, or one small puff, he’s persona non grata, a pariah,a bad influence on our children.

I’d like to suggest, not to be Pollyanna-ish, that we cut him some slack, give him a break, chill out, while we consider the Signature strengths (or values in action) that can be brought to bear on this situation. We all have many of these strengths as part of our personalities. We use them in various situations. I think they’re valuable in analyzing the Michael Phelps fiasco.

Forgiveness, of course, jumps out. Don’t we owe a little forgiveness to the poor guy?

Humility. Is it not too pretentious to put Michael down for one little slip, or even a couple?

How about honesty? And speaking of hypocrites, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Open-mindedness also seems pertinent. I’m sure Michael had his reasons for what he did, or if not, he is just a young man after all. Think about all the pressures of being such a young superstar.

Wisdom is another closely related strength. Using a broad perspective to examine his behavior, can’t we see possibilities for understanding this?

Then there’s kindness and generosity. Wouldn’t it be good and show great understanding to give the guy a break?

Maybe even a little loyalty for someone who has represented our country in the best possible way?

How about a little fairness and gratitude?

There are 24 signature strengths identified by Peterson and Seligman in the Values in Action questionnaire. If we just applied a few to situations like this, in our everyday lives, I think we might get along better in our little worlds. The lesson to our children is that everyone makes mistakes. And sometimes you pay dearly. So think before you act, and if you mess up, hope others will treat you with the same kindness and understanding you can give to one of our national heroes.

Where is the love? Black-eyed peas.

Stress: The Inner Game

"The cause of most stress can be summed up by the word attachment. [The ego] gets so dependent upon things, situations, people and concepts within its experience that when change occurs or seems about to occur, it feels threatened. Freedom from stress does not necessarily involve giving up anything, but rather being able to let go of anything, when necessary, and know that one will still be all right. It comes from being more independent—not necessarily more solitary, but more reliant on one’s own inner resources for stability."

The words of a Zen master? Actually, W. Timothy Gallwey in The Inner Game of Tennis, a very interesting read even if you don’t play. Consider applying the notion of attachment to one’s performance in a game like tennis, or any game. In giving up the need to win, the implications of losing and so forth, we are freed up to perform without stress.

Can you apply it to your life? If you can give up the idea of things being as you expected them to be, wanted them to be, thought you needed them to be, does it free you up to relax without stress?

Disengaging doesn’t mean we’re not interested, motivated or working hard. It simply means that we’re not getting caught up in emotional entanglements and self-criticism that move us away from our true goals. Whether at work, at play or in relationships, there are many applications of these ideas.

I hate to be pedestrian, but having just seen (and enjoyed) Yes Man, I am reminded of Terence Stamp’s life coach from hell. He does make the good point that you have to start somewhere in your life and start saying yes to opportunities. I’d argue it’s a way of disengaging and letting go of some of your long held and dearly beloved beliefs about the way things should be.

So try saying yes to opportunity and no to stress.

Walking in Memphis, or Downtown?

The current issue of Psychology Today (sorry, not on line yet) mentions research by Stephen Kaplan at the University of Michigan. He and his colleagues study urban forests. They conclude that a walk in the park improves cognitive abilities more than a walk downtown.

It’s not surprising. Getting around downtown requires a lot of attention and concentration. Witness the experience of the once inveterate New Yorker; now a country-bumpkin, she realizes during a visit that considerable attention must be paid to avoid stepping in front of oncoming cabs and figuring out what that smell really is. It’s work. On the other hand, in country-bumpkinland, noticing deer, rabbits, ducks and leaves is interesting, yet not cognitively demanding. It’s relaxing and renewing.

We know that being in nature improves stress management and decreases negative emotions like anger and anxiety. Apparently, it also improves cognition.

So even though all the noise and the hurry seems to help, I’d skip both Downtown and Walking in Memphis. Instead, consider listening to the tunes on your iPod while having a stroll in a more natural environment. Can't get to the country? Central Park will do just fine.

Treatment for Depression: Psychotherapy or Exorcism?

I’m a fan of psychotherapy, being a 25 year veteran in its practice. In addition to positive psychology approaches, the usual subject of this blog, I’m drawn to solution focused therapies. In my mind, these include those so named as well as cognitive behavioral and allied approaches that clearly ask clients to make behavioral changes and work toward solving the problems of life. Not just talk.

But I still have lots of questions about the practice and the process. I have questions about how it’s conducted, the role of medication, where mindfulness and values fit in, if we sometimes do more harm than good, what works for whom, what doesn’t work, and so forth.

I like my clients to think about the process too and take some responsibility for the work we do together. I think it’s healthy to question my work and for clients to question it, and their role in the work.

I believe that most people can live without disabling depression. There is a lot of evidence that the relationship with the therapist is itself a helpful and healing relationship. Repairing important relationships in one’s life and beginning new ones is equally important.

Additionally, I encourage people to do a variety of things, including:

· getting out and doing things in nature and in the world
· listening to music, experiencing art, going to church, or doing whatever pulls them up
· getting support from friends and family
· talking about good things going on in life, and good things desired (not just talking about problems)

I was delighted to hear a story about African approaches to healing depression by exorcism. On the surface it seems quite unlike what I find useful, but when you dig down deep, there are many shared beliefs. It’s definitely thought-provoking. Have a listen to Andrew Solomon’s experience.

Best Friends for Life

What’s the first thing you let go of when you’re busy and stressed out? Be honest. Many of us would say “me time,” which includes things like hobbies, exercise, taking time to eat right and sleep enough, and spending time with friends.

While all of these things and more contribute to good stress management, for women, girlfriend time is huge. Perhaps because of that interesting hormone oxytocin, not to mention estrogen, relationships with friends have been shown to lower blood pressure, heartrate and cholesterol. Friends helped one group of subjects manage the loss of a spouse, increased joy in another study and even reduced the risk of death in yet another study.

The benefit of social support is a highly robust finding in positive psychology. So it’s not just for women that friends are important. Unfortunately, as we juggle responsibilities, friends are quick to take a backseat in our lives.

So in an effort to increase friend time, consider:
· if you don’t have time for lunch or dinner, can you meet for a quick coffee
· combining a shopping trip with friend-time
· engaging in the dreaded multitasking by calling a friend while performing some mundane household task (like folding laundry, but not while driving please)
· working out with a friend (with the added benefit of boosting your compliance by buddying-up)
· using those frequent flyer miles to visit a friend

There are lots of other ideas you might come up with if you take a few minutes to think about it. And it's important, because best friends really are for life, for a long, happy and healthy life.

Winter, spring, summer or fall, all you have to do is call. Carole King

Positive Affirmation: Accentuate the Positive

Imagine you’re about to go to an anxiety-provoking social event (a party, a fundraiser, an intimate dinner or whatever makes you nervous). Is there a difference between telling yourself, beforehand, don’t say something stupid, or telling yourself, be brilliant? You betcha.

In efforts to improve organizational and athletic functioning, and more recently other aspects of achievement on an individual and even global scale, researchers have examined the nature of positive thinking and affirmations. Especially when learning something new, positive self-monitors (those who notice what they’re doing right and try to repeat it) are more successful than negative self-monitors (those who try to avoid doing something wrong).

Can you view your own behavior through this kind of an appreciative lens, affirming the good? Consider potentially difficult situations like public speaking, competitive events, meeting new people, learning something new. Approach them with an eye toward what your strengths are, what you want to do and what you hope to do. Avoid focusing on your weaknesses, what you don’t want to do and what terrible thing might happen.

I know it’s corny, but we could probably all benefit from Mercer and Arlen’s advice, and start reviewin’ the attitude of doin’ right.

More corn: Hear Bing sing here.