Communicating with your Kid: Car Talk with Peter Pan

On my way to the office the other morning, the SUV beside me at the light caught my eye. They were probably dropping a kid at school and on the video screen was a Disney-like movie. I had to wonder, why do you need a movie during what is likely a short hop?

I don’t want to sound like one of those it wasn’t like this when we were kids and we survived emails, but seriously. Given how difficult it is to talk to kids of all ages, taking every opportunity to do so seems like a good idea to me. I don’t mean to sound smarmy and holier than thou. Perhaps these kind parents were starting out on a three hour ride with their four year old, but even so. When my kid was four and autovideo was not ubiquitous, we enjoyed that time for talking, observing, words games and the like.

One of the things I know I’ll miss when my now-teenager starts driving himself, is that captive time in the car. Although I don’t always have his undivided attention, I often have enough of it to allow for discussion of everything from girls to politics, an angry diatribe about teachers, a peek into the intrigues of his peers and loads of anecdotes about life in his world I’d never otherwise hear. Sometimes we talk about the music he’s listening to in the car. And, I’m not gonna lie, we entertain one another with stories about the people in the next car and those we pass on the street. It’s kind of like Mad Libs without the paper.

It really irks my son when he’s in the car with me and I’m on the phone. See, I think he likes that time as well, receiving my relatively undivided attention. Relatively. I do have to drive after all. Or watch him drive.

So I think this time is really useful. It may not be “quality time” in the typical sense, but it’s one-on-one time and it's good to grab every opportunity. After all, it’s not like Peter Pan; they do grow up, and fast.

No One's Perfect

You don’t get to wear a NY Yankee jersey by being a talented little league player. Sure, ability is essential. But you have to combine that with the passion. You’ve got to want it more badly than anything else and work harder to get it than seems humanly possible.



That said, you don’t get to wear a LA Angels jersey just by having some talent either. It’s the same drill. And what an amazing wealth of talent between the two teams.

So what happened last night? The Yanks stomped the Angels 4 to 1. But not because they’re more talented. Okay, maybe the jury is still out on that one. More importantly for those striving to be the best in their game, whatever it may be, what happened had to do with human error, pure and simple. How often do you see a shortstop and third baseman looking at one another as the ball drops between them? We saw the pitcher throw wildly to first, missing the out and allowing the runner to advance to second. A third error in a ball glancing off a star center fielder’s glove contributed further to the loss.

What can we make of this? These are world class players on two incredibly good teams.

We all make mistakes. There it is. So give yourself a break next time you don’t quite live up to the standards you’ve set for yourself.

But Derek Jeter…I’m not gonna lie, he was perfect. Have a listen to Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys to get in the mood for a Yankee series.

Breathing, Relaxation and Meditation

This is just a quick how-to-find guide to breathing, relaxation and meditation. These topics have been coming up a lot lately in my work and with friends.

Breathing, you ask? Yes. Absolutely all relaxation, meditation and yoga techniques rely on correct breathing. Okay, there’s no right or wrong to yoga and meditation, but abdominal or diaphragmatic breathing certainly helps the relaxation response. The particular approach doesn’t matter. It’s whatever works best for you. Try:

• abdominal breathing,  at

http://www.amsa.org/healingthehealer/breathing.cfm

• or yoga breathing, at

http://www.holisticonline.com/Yoga/hol_yoga_breathing_Learning.htm

Then consider relaxation. It’s always good to practice a new relaxation exercise 2-3 times a day. Once learned you can use it when you need it, i.e., when you’re stressed out. Try these two sites:

• http://relaxationresponse.org/steps/

• http://www.mbmi.org/basics/whatis_rresponse_elicitation.asp

I also like a couple of iTunes downloads:

• Mini-relaxation break
  
• 8 minute power meditation

An alternative to relaxation is meditation. It’s similar, but less structured and a little more woo woo. If you can be a little woo woo, try:

• http://www.buddhanet.net/audio-meditation.htm

• http://www.beliefnet.com/Holistic-Living/Meditation/index.aspx

As always, the key is to find something that works for you. That is to say, something you feel good about, something you can find the time for and something you can stick with. Remember, no matter what is recommended, 5 minutes of breathing, relaxation or meditation is better than no minutes. You can’t find 5 minutes in your day…really.

Love Thy Neighbor. Try a Loving Kindness Meditation

Would you imagine that loving one’s neighbors can improve feelings of self-confidence and reduce depression and physical symptoms? The loving kindness meditation has been empirically studied and the results suggest just that.

How does this work, one might ask? It seems that simply sitting calmly, breathing abdominally and focusing inward has multiple benefits. The loving kindness meditation appears to augment these gains by also increasing positive emotion. Positive emotions, in turn, are linked to positive outcomes in life like success and good health. Generally, the meditation begins with extending the feeling of acceptance and good will to oneself. Gradually, the acceptance is extended outward to others one loves, likes, respects or simply knows, and even to those one dislikes. In this way, it’s also like a forgiveness (and self-forgiveness) practice. Oh, and it induces a loving attitude toward the self and others.

Try it yourself at BuddhaNet Audio or Beliefnet.
And Imagine (John Lennon).

Mindful Eating: Three Questions

In our obesogenic environment, mindful eating is a way to curb the impulse to overindulge. The basic idea is to slow down all behaviors related to eating, from your attitudes toward eating and choosing foods, to portion size and the mechanics of eating itself. Tuning into your body and the sensory experiences related to eating in an accepting and nonjudgmental manner are among your goals.

The three questions I really like are from a recent study using acceptance-based therapy (ABT) interventions to facilitate weight loss. In addition to mindfulness, ABT helps you tolerate distress by learning to accept thoughts and feelings without trying to change them, using values to choose behavioral directions and being open to your present experience in the here and now.

The three questions to ask before eating:

1. What is triggering me to eat this food right now?
2. What are my other options for food to eat or behavior in which I can engage?
3. Is eating this food the option I want to choose?

Your conversation with yourself might go something like this.

What’s triggering me? Am I bored, upset or feeling entitled to a special treat?

What are other options? If I’m bored maybe I need to get out and do something…upset, call a friend…entitled to a treat…take time for myself, a hot bath, massage, walk, those would be healthy treats.

Is this what I want to choose? There may be other options that are healthier, more consistent with my eating plan and will make me feel better later. What are those?

Also check out Susan Albers’ website for great info. And get more tips for eating the mindful meal from Brigham & Women’s Hospital.

As Albers says, eat, drink and be mindful. And before you indulge, ask the 3 questions.

To get in the questioning mood, I recommend Questions 67 and 68…Chicago

Truth or Fiction? Write Your Stories

In an interview, author of That Old Cape Magic,“ Richard Russo says: “The deepest failures any fiction writer is likely to have are failures of not quite comprehending the truth of the story that he or she is telling. And I think that's why Jack Griffin can't write this story ... there's something about himself that he hasn't quite recognized."

Russo goes on to talk about how missing the truth of one’s life happens in real life as well as in fiction. Memories of the past are not necessary shared precisely by the participants, much as eyewitness reports frequently differ. So where’s the truth?

What does this have to do with anything? It speaks to the need for all of us to address our own truths and try to gain perspective about ourselves, our choices, our behaviors.

There’s a great exercise in Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life (Steven Hayes). It calls for you to write the story of your suffering, including the main problems and all the reasons (historical, situational and personal) for the presence of these problems in your life. Suffering being a bit strong for some of us, you could just write the story of your present difficulties. Then you underline only the facts of your story…not interpretations or analyses. Finally, you take the facts and write a completely different story, with a different ending. As you can imagine, the meaning of the facts changes dramatically in the two stories. Hayes goes on to suggest that you can write yet another story using the same facts to further demonstrate how the stories we tell change the meaning of the facts.

In other words, our interpretations of the facts of our lives change our beliefs about the truths of our lives. It suggests that we can change those truths by re-writing or re-interpreting our story.

For example, it’s possible that you’ve been less accomplished, less intelligent and less capable than all your siblings. It’s equally possible that you’ve taken the road less traveled, made unpopular choices and picked experiences you desired over those preferred by others. The question becomes how can you be the person you wish to be instead of the incompetent you’ve believed yourself to be? (It’s just one possible example.)

My suggestion: Write and re-write your story. See how it comes out each time. Stick with the one that feels true and good at the same time.

The Anticipatory Principle...Driving it Home

The anticipatory principle is the notion that what we anticipate about our future influences what actually happens to us. It comes from research about appreciative inquiry. Appreciative inquiry, let me be clear on this, is not to be confused with the law of attraction , which I am in no way, shape or form endorsing.

Jackie Kelm has a great example in her book The Joy of Appreciative Living. She asks the reader to imagine their upcoming weekend. Then she asks that you consider how much the following affect your answer:

What your friends, family and neighbors like to do and would like you to do
Where you live
What your religious beliefs and your upbringing suggest you should do
What the media says you should do
What others like you do

Kelm’s point is that we unthinkingly allow other people and things to influence our choices. In doing so, we begin to live their life, not our life. So this weekend, if you feel like hanging out with the cats, reading, piddling around the house and watching old movies, why not?

Kelm urges us to “get in the driver’s seat and become conscious of where the bus is heading.”

I might ask: What’s your 90 day plan? Your five year plan?

Who’s going to decide where you’re heading? Do you have to have kids because all your friends do it? Do you have to marry for the same reason? Perhaps your idea of joining the International Red Cross isn't popular with your family or friends. Who’s going to decide?

In other words, take control of your destiny and shape your future. Don’t let others convince you to drive your bus to their desired destination. Choose your own.

We can drive it home, with one headlight…One Headlight, The Wallflowers