Life Coach Blog

Post-Oscar Musing…Woody Allen’s Approach

2012-02-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

I love Woody Allen’s movies. In a WashingtonPost piece about him, Robert Weide, who made a documentary about Allen, attempts to dispel the myths about Allen as movie character vs Allen as director. Apart from my great relief that no one so accomplished could really be that neurotic, I appreciate Allen’s view of directing according to Weide:

His theory… is to “hire the best actors, shut up and get out of their way.”

As coaches, indeed as psychotherapists, we are directors in a sense. We are often admonished to get out of our client’s way. Listen, contain, nudge, but let the client do their work. As Weide goes one to say:

Many of the performers I interviewed spoke of the sense of liberation they feel when a director is confident in their ability to come up with the goods without micromanaging their performance.

Good advice for parents as well. Our clients and children are whole, creative and resourceful people. Lay the groundwork, provide the safety net, and let them do their thing.

Prior to the awards I heard, in an interview with biographer Eric Lax, that Allen wasn’t attending because he doesn’t believe that art can be judged. No to mention, that if you start to believe others’ opinion of your work, you’ll begin to shape your work to impress them. How often do you trust your own intuition and do the work of coaching, therapy or parenting in your own unique way? We don’t have to impress, we just have to do our work. But don’t expect anyone to call with your Oscar nomination.

Woody Allen at the Oscars, 2002

What I Learned About A Half-Marathon

2012-02-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

You know how you used to have to write about what you learned during your summer vacation? Well I just had to write something about training for my half-marathon. I started 4 months ago and it’s been a great treat. Today was the big day.

The first thing you have to know is that it’s not about the running. You could be writing your first book, playing in your first tennis tournament, seeing your first client, quitting smoking or starting a new business, to name just a few possibilities. Consider these general principles.

Set a big goal. I’ve run a 6.2 a number of times. Never having run more than 8 miles, 13.1 seemed like a pretty big to me. It doesn’t have to be big by anyone’s estimation but your own. And you have to own it and want it.

Commit to it. In my case, this meant joining a training group. Even after that, I had to pay the fee. Then I was all in.

Make the commitment public. The more people you tell, the more you have to do it.

Use rewards. The small rewards were a celebration for long training runs. On those days I’d just kick back and relax for most of the day, and go out to eat a great meal. It’s good to have a bigger reward at the end. I knew I had to have the 13.1 sticker I’d seen in a running store. For under $2, every time I look at it that sticker tells me how a girl that can run 13.1 miles can do anything.

Establish your training routines. What I eat, how much I sleep and what I wear have become almost as important as how much I’m running and when. Sticking to a training schedule really helped. Figure out routines that work for you and they’ll keep you on track.

Enjoy the ride. Note each milestone (pun intended) and revel in it. Nine miles, then 10, then 12, 13, 14. It was exciting realizing that what seemed quite distant was becoming closer and closer. Once I’d done a couple of 14 miles runs, I knew it didn’t even matter if I actually ran the race. I could run 14 miles! I was stronger and enjoying the journey.

Notice the changes. I started feeling more confident in other things. Nothing seemed impossible or out of reach. Runner’s high you may say? I think it’s just the confidence that comes from meeting increasingly difficult goals. You realize there’s something in you that you weren’t quite sure you had before. It’s an I got this kind of thing.

Be excited. When people commented on how cool it was that I was doing this, I began to accept their excitement and own it, instead of saying oh, no big deal. It is a big deal! When I went to pick up my race pack and saw people setting up the barricades and mile markers, I started to feel this overwhelming excitement.

Consider how you can apply these principles to your own half-marathon, be it running or another big pursuit.

Learning to Fly, Pink Floyd

Photographs vs Experience

2012-02-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

I just heard an interview with George Clooney in which he talked about how people aren’t prepared to shake his hand because they’re too busy taking pictures with their cell phones. Can you believe that? His comment: “I think that's too bad, because I think people are experiencing less and recording more.”

I notice that at soccer matches. Yes, I want a picture of my kid scoring a terrific goal. But even more than I want the picture, I want to really see him doing it. The set up, his calculation, the goal, his reaction, his team’s reaction, the coach’s reaction, the other fans’ reactions. I want to experience all of it. Not to mention me jumping up and down and screaming. I can’t do that through the lens of my camera.

The other thing I notice at matches is how people talking on their cell phones, or more often texting, interferes with the experience. They miss things. We see people everywhere who are so busy telling someone about their experience; they don’t actually get to experience it. Kabat-Zinn talks about how, in observing a beautiful sunset, once you start to talk about it, you are no longer experiencing it, you are now experiencing your idea of it.

It’s all about being present, mindfully and getting the most out of each and every moment. These are useful practices. Now I just want to go on record and say that if I ever have an opportunity to experience George Clooney, and shake his hand, you better believe that no phone, camera or human being is going to get in my way.

Pictures of People Taking Pictures, Jack Johnson

Cultivating Patience

2012-02-05T20:09:00.000-08:00

What is patience to you? If you’re like most people, it’s either something you think you have or don’t have. What if patience is something that can be cultivated? What if it’s something you can have more of tomorrow, than you did yesterday? What if you can grow it, like a garden?

Kabat-Zinn talks about patience in Full Catastrophe Living. He says patience is a kind of wisdom. What I get from him is that patience involves:

*Relaxing

*Letting little hassles go

*Not rushing

*Not trying to get someplace better than right now

*Accepting that things happen in their own way and in their own time

A lot of what we are all working toward every day involves change. Change requires practice. Practice requires patience. Consider cultivating your patience.

Ask yourself:

*What’s the rush?

*Will this matter in a week? 2 weeks? 6 weeks?

*Do I need to let this go?

*How can I let this go?

* How can I be less judgmental of myself? Of others?

Try to:

*Relax your body and mind

*Breathe

*Be mindful; focus on the present and see, hear and feel everything around you

*Hit the reset button and look at things from a fresh perspective

Whether or not you have a green thumb, patience can be cultivated and grown. Ask yourself the questions. Try the strategies. See what comes up in your garden.

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

The Character Strengths of Leadership

2012-01-25T17:51:00.000-08:00

Guest Blogger Erik Braunitzer is the lead on the creative writing end of Douglas Elliman Marketing. With a background in philosophy, he's written a number of innovative pieces on leadership and morals.

The Character Strengths of Leadership, By Erik Braunitzer, courtesy of Douglas Elliman Real Estate, agents for NYC Rentals.

In today's time of economic hardships and 'leaderless' movements, we may be left looking for a new leader after all to set our country on the right path. But what about you, personally; do you try to be a good leader for your peers, friends and family? What character strengths actually make up a good leader?

I believe a leader is someone who leads others by example by being ethical, having integrity, and enlightening others to act in a similar fashion. People possessing these character strengths will naturally fall into leadership roles in different instances and even in their career. Making habits such as using manners, treating others with respect and making honesty your policy in all situations, you will be able find success in your personal and professional life.

Some people may feel that it is hard to maintain integrity at all times; a little white lie doesn't hurt anyone right? If you get caught being dishonest or choose to keep quiet instead of speaking up when you know something is wrong, your integrity is at stake. People who do not know you well will make a snap judgment about you that will be hard to change. Choosing to be a great leader and maintaining integrity as party of your beliefs and behavior, you will see a positive change in your life.

There are many great leaders that you can emulate to help you lead a life that positively affects yourself and those around you. And what better of an example to use than Martin Luther King. An American activist and leader in the African-American Civil Rights Movement of the mid-50’s, King achieved invaluable freedom for African Americans through boycotts, conferences and his famous “I have a dream” speech.

But it was his character strengths that allowed him to push on through some of the worst adversities. King was ethical, honest, kind and determined. Everything he did was based on his enlightenment, which came through what we can only be deemed as integrity. In 1964, he earned the Nobel Peace Prize, and is the youngest person to do so. He was also awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1977 and Congressional Gold Medal in 2004. And like most leaders, King inspired others. Morality, integrity and enlightenment are viral, and as long as these traits exist, so will great leaders like King.

So, by upholding your integrity, trying to be a leader and enlightening others to do the same, you will soon see the positive change it can bring to your life and those around you. Start with these character strengths, and you’re on the right track.

Relationship Health and Satisfaction Messages

2012-01-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

Psychology Today, always interesting, asks, Are you with the right mate? Really, what most of us are asking is, How can I be in a more healthy and satisfying relationship?, which is exactly what the article addresses. My take on the article’s tips:

*Surprise, surprise! The early infatuation with your partner will fade.

*No matter how much it feels like they are, your partner is not responsible for your happiness.

*As with most important things in life, it’s up to you to create the relationship you want.

*It helps to start with identifying your relationship needs.

*Then you have to get the message out there and try to get your needs met.

*At the same time, you must try to understand and meet your partner’s needs.

*You and your spouse are different (and it would be terribly boring if you weren’t).

*It’s important to recognize that you cannot get all your needs met in one relationship.

*Relationships are dynamic, they’re always changing. It’s a good thing.

And keep in mind, as the Gottman’s have pointed out with respect to communication in relationships, more positive talk and less negative talk are important to your relationship’s health.

Message in a Bottle, The Police

Feeling Bad? Just Work Through It

2012-01-14T18:16:00.000-08:00

Running and songwriting share similar principles. When it doesn’t feel good, you just work through it. Ben Gibbard, Death Cab for Cuties.

I heard something similar the other night in my Yin yoga class. In Yin, the poses are held longer. This requires patience and persistence, occasionally in the face of some discomfort.

In each case, the persistence, working through, patience, whatever you want to name it, helps you get through. The process helps you develop confidence in your ability to face life’s challenges, whether in your work, relationships or other activities.

This is a difficult lesson for some of us. Like our vegetables when we were kids, hard work is good for us.

Consider what you’re doing in your life. Your work. Your family. Your relationships. Your hobbies. Try to work through the discomfort that comes up and persist. To help, you can try some of these:

*stop judging yourself (I’m not good enough, strong enough, special enough… to…)

*relax, take a breath and go on

*talk to yourself in an encouraging way (You can do it!)

*just keep at it a little while longer

*remind yourself how good it’s going to feel when you accomplish your goal

*break it down into smaller steps if needed

Sometimes things just don’t feel good. When it’s something you really want, you just have to work through it. It’ll be worth it.

Stay Young, Go Dancing, Death Cab for Cuties

Willpower Tips for your New Year’s Resolutions

2012-01-01T09:12:00.000-08:00

What better time to learn a little about the new research on willpower? Of course you’ve just made, are considering making or have rejected making your new year’s resolutions. Time and again we learn that we don’t follow through, that it just makes us feel bad or, while it seemed like a good idea at the time, giving up chocolate may not be a make or break change in your life.

So here are a few tips from the new book, Willpower, by Baumeister and Tierney, to help you see it through this year.

1. Willpower is like a muscle that can be strengthened. In other words, practice will make it stronger. So really, if at first you don’t succeed…You know the drill. It really makes sense though.

2. Willpower is like a muscle, so it can get tired. Quite simply, don’t make too make resolutions. Your willpower muscle will get tired and wimp out on one or more of them. This is why alcoholics in recovery don’t need to go to bars (among other reasons), why it’s easier to quit smoking without another smoker in the house and why it’s very easy to resist the desserts when you don’t have any around. Got kids? Put the to-be-avoided foods out of sight.

3. Willpower draws on our mental reserves which can be depleted in a variety of ways. Making a lot of decisions depletes mental reserves. Think about how you feel after spending a day shopping (just shoot me now) or a day hard at work that involves a lot of decisions. Then someone asks you where you want to have dinner. If you’re like most people, you feel like screaming when they repeatedly tell you it’s up to you. They think they’re doing you a favor when, in fact, your mind is too tired to make one more decision. Other things that deplete our mental reserves include not getting proper sleep and diet (yeah, I did go there again).

I know there’s a bit of a catch 22 here. You exercise your willpower muscle to strengthen it, but you overwork it and instead of strengthening it, you fatigue it. If you think about willpower being like any other muscle, you can do strengthening exercises, but do too much and you risk shut down or injury. So exercise smart. Ergo, just a couple of new year’s resolutions.

And don’t give up because you’ve failed at something in the past. Perhaps this is your year to celebrate success!

New Year’s Day, U2

The Virtues of Pessimism

2011-12-27T18:47:00.000-08:00

Now those who know me or follow my work will be surprised to find me extolling the virtues of pessimism, but hear me out. You’re applying to grad school, looking for a job, doing on-line dating, trying to get your article published…There are some ways in which not always thinking on the bright side can soften the blow.

Pessimism protects us from disappointment. I might not get this job…win this game…get that acceptance letter. If it happens that you do not, anticipating that outcome does seem to make it a bit easier to bear. I’m not giving you permission to slack off, just permission to be realistic.

Pessimism helps us anticipate problems so we can take steps to correct things, i.e., defensive pessimism. Maybe my resume could be more dynamic, my on-line profile might use a little tweaking or my article might do better in a different publication, which means I need to re-work it before sending it out. All of these are good steps to take to avoid possible difficulties in the future.

Anticipating the worst helps us prepare for it. Consider the difference between a shocking loss and one we’ve been expecting. We can get ready emotionally for the tragedy we believe is coming instead of being blindsided. Getting ready for the worst has practical implications…I’m not going to open that letter alone. And it affects our emotional reactions as well…. I’m not going to open that letter alone. A little anticipation can protect us from some of the pain associated with losses.

Truth be told, I have written about how to increase optimism by decreasing pessimism, and I stand by that. It’s still true that optimistic people are healthier, more resilient and live longer. But into every life a little rain must fall, and when it does, it really helps to have an umbrella handy.

Rain, The Beatles

Overachievers, Perfectionists and Supermoms

2011-12-17T13:15:00.000-08:00

The November, 2011 issue of Psychology Today has a piece about overachievers. Included is the supermom. Psychologist Diane Halpern points out that women still do more child care and work in the home. Their work outside the home is also on the rise. It’s proposed that women want to be the perfect wife, mother, worker, citizen, volunteer, etc., because we worry about how others will judge us. I’d add in sex kitten, soul mate and child therapist explaining why so many of my clients are ready to go completely berserk. We’re always trying to meet the requirements we’ve internalized about what it means to be a woman today.

According to psychologist Gordon Flett, this is a recipe for exhaustion and health problems, including depression. Speaking of life balance, you may have to give up something, he points out.

My suggestions:

*Consider what’s important in your life right now and focus on those things.

* Be prepared to let a few things go. Maybe you’ll pick them up later if they’re really important.

*Ask for support. Don’t tell me it’s easier to do it yourself. That’s true only in the short-term. Long-term, help is good.

*Forget being perfect. There is no perfect.

*Try not to worry about how others judge you. People usually care far less about us than we think. And if they are judging, who has that right?

Think outside the house with the white picket fence. What does being a woman today mean to you? What does life balance mean to you? Why do you care so much about what others think?

Fuckin’ Perfect, Pink

Improve Your Inner Dialogue and Decrease Anxiety

2011-11-25T14:44:00.000-08:00

GUEST BLOGGER Ryan Rivera used to suffer from anxiety. When he turned to natural and alternative methods of treatment, he got the help he needed. To know more about how he survived anxiety, go to www.calmclinic.com

Internal dialogue, or self-talk, powerfully shapes and programs your self-concept. Usually normal and non-threatening, when the content consists of unfailingly negative and unhealthy deliberations or beliefs about your self-worth, self-talk can lead to anxiety. To be set free from this negative internal dialogue, work must be done.

1. Become More Mindful of Your Thinking Pattern

The first step to changing your negative internal dialogue is to gain awareness of your thinking pattern, particularly the instances when negative thoughts persist. Scrutinize and analyze your mental ideas and sentences. Identify them as positive or negative. Keep the positive ones and throw the negative thoughts away.

2. Keep Your Thoughts in a Journal

Sometimes, you can’t keep track of all the thoughts you have. To track thoughts and allow for further examination, keep a journal or diary. When a troubling thought comes or a strong feeling is evoked write it down like you are telling a story--your story. It will shed light on the real root of your difficulties.

3. STOP the Negative Thoughts

When a negative thought pops up, take active action and stop it. You can do this by stating out loud the very simple, four-letter word “STOP!” Saying this with conviction and power makes you the master of your mind. Taking control makes you the master of your thinking.

4. Relax

For counterattacks against negative thoughts to be effective, you must be calm. With your back on a chair or on a firm mattress, close your eyes and block all surrounding noises, except your breathing. Press your palms on your chest and abdomen. Inhale deeply and feel the rise of your abdomen. Hold your breath. Then, slowly release this air and feel your abdomen fall. Repeat until you’re more relaxed.

5. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Extreme negativity feeds anxiety. Thinking of worst case scenarios and assuming you will fail contributes directly to failure. To stop this vicious cycle, question your negative thoughts. Ask yourself if these thoughts are reasonable and logical. If not, think instead: “things will be better this time” or “everything will turn out well."

6. Positive Affirmations

“I am at peace today” or “I am good” are examples of positive affirmations, a great tool to help reprogram your unconscious mind from negative thinking to positive. Make a positive statement that you would like reality to reflect, and repeat it until it is part of your way of thinking.

Improving your internal dialogue is a great anxiety reduction technique that you must practice to master. Recognize that negative thoughts are mere thoughts, nothing more and nothing less, and achieve peace of mind.

Manage Your Energy to Move Ahead

2011-11-22T18:15:00.000-08:00

I was revisiting a great book, The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr & Tony Schwartz, and was struck by the simplicity of their basic axioms. Following them makes it seem like a straight shot from Point A (where I am now) to Point B (where I’d like to move to).

*To be fully engaged in our activities we draw on physical, emotional, mental and spiritual sources of energy.

Interpretation: You can’t ignore any of these components of your life.

*Energy expenditure and renewal are equally important.

Interpretation: You can’t sit on your butt and expect to feel energetic, but you also can’t ignore your need to recharge.

*Reaching our full potential requires pushing beyond our usual limits.

nterpretation: You can’t coast and expect to feel engaged; you’ve got to push the envelope.

*Positive energy rituals are critical for high performance.

Interpretation: You have to have specific strategies for creating positive energy (e.g., meditation, prayer, deep breathing). You can’t just wait for the positivity to come.

*Change requires defining your purpose, facing your truth and taking action.

Interpretation: Not only do you have to identify your goals, you must face the hard truths about yourself and others and act according to those truths. You can’t put your head in the sand and expect to feel fully engaged and energized in your life.

My suggestion: Choose one place in your life where you’d like some movement. Can you get back to doing something that gave you a sense of meaning, peace or energy? Can you do more, or less, than you’re doing right now? Can you push the envelope somewhere? Can you introduce a positive ritual? Can you face a hard truth and take the difficult step you’ve been avoiding? It’s great stuff. Just take a shot.

Crank it up with Pat Benatar. Hit me with your best shot.

Just Stay Positive. Optimism and Cancer Survival

2011-11-16T18:32:00.000-08:00

Guest blogger Trevor Bradshaw is a dedicated cancer advocate and aspiring writer, who is very passionate about educating people on the power of optimism in fighting cancer.

Just Stay Positive. Optimism and Cancer Survival, Trevor Bradshaw

We hear it so often that sometimes, it seems like we don’t even listen to it at all but is there more to the phrase “just stay positive” than even the most ardent optimists would have guessed? Scientists, who are studying the new field of physchoneuroimmunology and exploring the interactions between the body’s nervous and immune systems, believe that there just might be. In fact, studies are showing that the power of positive thinking might even be strong enough to fight against cancer!

Although scientists are still at a loss to explain it, several recent studies have shown an extremely strong connection between positivity and cancer patients’ survival rates. An extensive study performed by the Mayo Cancer clinic showed that the cancer mortality rate is a shocking 19% higher for pessimists than it is for optimists. Some scientists posit that the gap in life expectancy and cancer mortality rates is primarily due to too much negative thinking. They point to new research on the effects of norepinephrine (released into the bloodstream in large amounts when you feel stressed) that has demonstrated a direct correlation between too much stress and tumor growth. The new studies show that norepinephrine increases cancerous tumor cell growth in mice and scientists now believe that it plays a significant role in ovarian cancer in humans as well. Those who believe in the power of positivity point to studies showing optimists’ increased life expectancy in cancers caused by environmental factors like peritoneal mesothelioma.

While there is still much research to be done before you’ll hear your doctor prescribe “just stay positive” as a treatment for cancer, it is increasingly commonplace for doctors to recommend patients diagnosed with rare cancers like mesothelioma to attend support groups. In fact, with its low survival rate, limited treatment options, and relative rareness, it should come as no surprise that mesothelioma support groups are quickly becoming one of the top complementary treatments for mesothelioma patients. Because support groups allow patients an outlet to discuss their myriad emotions and reactions with others in a like-minded community, they can decrease the dangerous levels of stress associated with cancer and promote positivity. And after all, maybe there’s more to that old advice “just stay positive” than we ever thought.

Journal Writing: Taking a Nightly Inventory

2011-11-12T12:06:00.000-08:00

Guest blogger Ryan Glassmoyer is the Managing Editor of AllTreatment .com, a drug treatment and education website.

Journal Writing: Taking a Nightly Inventory, Ryan Glassmoyer

I like to journal nightly about the good and bad parts of my day.

Over time this leads to personal growth and emotional stability.

There are many ways to journal. Play around with what works for you. Try diary form or make a checklist. Any inquiry into the positive and negative events of a day promotes growth.

Questions to Ask Ourselves:

Was I angry today? When was I happy?

Was I selfish? Did I help others?

Was I dishonest? Was I honest?

Was I fearful? Was I faithful?

The Act of Bettering Ourselves:

Self searching is at the heart of spiritual growth. Journal writing highlights where we want to make changes in life.

Perspective:

Writing down feelings and actions gives a clear picture of what’s going on in our lives.

Discover What Is Really Going On:

Emotions can come out sideways. We acquire small resentments and without recognition they fester; eventually unleashing on the barista or our spouse. Taking inventory of what upset us during the day allows us to keep tabs on our emotions. When we know what is bothering us we have power to remedy it.

Give Credit:

Take notice of the good parts of the day. Observing where we’ve acted better than we would have a month before creates a consciousness of growth. Acknowledging the “ups” creates belief that the “downs” are repairable and temporary.

Daily Practice:

Commitment to journal writing amplifies the practice. Repeated introspection builds emotional stability and sustainable behavior change. Journaling empowers us to own our personal actions (the only factors in our lives that are in our control.) By noticing our rise and fall we are more aware of the general flux of human lives. When others wrong us we become more forgiving, for we have been learning to forgive ourselves. We see that life is a process and not a destination.

Zen and the Art of Cooking

2011-11-09T06:44:00.000-08:00

The food will taste better when the cook is joyful. So says Edward Espe Brown, Zen Buddhist priest and chef, in How to Cook Your Life, a lovely documentary about zen and the art of cooking.

Espe Brown says: When you’re cooking you’re not just cooking, you’re not just working on food, you’re also working on yourself, you’re working on other people. It’s about doing things in a thoughtful and loving manner. How would it be if you did everything in your life in a thoughtful and loving manner?

Espe Brown says: Is food precious? Is food worth caring about? Are you precious? Are you worth caring about? It’s a bit of eating to live and a bit of living to eat, with a large cup of caring added to the mix. How would it be if you considered yourself that precious?

Finally, he says: There’s the possibility of connection with life…Nourishing yourself and other people doesn’t finally come out of a package. It comes out of your heart. It’s about connecting with where your food comes from, and how it is prepared and shared lovingly with others. How would it be if you nourished yourself and loved ones from your heart?

Consider cooking as working on yourself and others, as an important undertaking for precious people and as a heartfelt connection. It’s something to joyfully contemplate.

Zen Buddhist chant

Are you Practicing TLC (Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes)?

2011-10-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

As a society, we greatly underestimate the effects of lifestyle on our psychological and social well-being and optimal cognitive functioning. So says Roger Walsh who talks about eight of the areas we might all consider if we’re going to make some TLCs.

*Exercise – need I say more?

*Nutrition and diet – this includes what we eat (eat more fruits and vegetables, some fish-- preferably those low in mercury, and reduce calories) and supplements, the latter of which are recently as controversial as ever.

*Nature – as in, spend more time there and less with your iBuddies.

*Relationships – particularly our social capital or connections with others.

*Recreation – have more fun.

*Relaxation and stress management - do more meditation, relaxation and/or yoga.

*Religious/Spiritual Involvement – beneficial are approaches with an emphasis on forgiveness and love (vs punishment and guilt).

*Contribution/Service –best summarized by: “’give back’—instead of Prozac” (cited in Walsh).

Let’s throw in good sleep hygiene while we’re at it, which Walsh does mention as one of many other TLCs.

My challenge to you: Do a self-evaluation of each area. You know how well you’re doing. Then pick a couple of areas and do something new or different. Kick it up a notch.

Groovin’, The Young Rascals

The Key to My Heart: Relationship Tips

2011-10-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

When things are going reasonably well, we tend to take relationships for granted. There are a number of things we can all do to improve our relationships, in good times and in bad. Based on the Gottman’s work on marital satisfaction, here are a few of the keys.

1. Ask lots of questions and talk a lot, so you can know one another better. Isn’t it cool when you learn something new about your partner after 5 years? 10 years?

2. Be positive! Notice what your partner is doing right and comment on it. Show positive affect by keeping your tone positive, smiling, using humor and affection, especially in conflict situations. Use compassionate communication by being clear about your needs and wants, nonaggressively.

3. Turn toward your partner literally and figuratively. Accept requests for more intimacy and contact and ask for more yourself.

4. Take a time out. When you are in conflict and you feel yourself getting hotter, agree to take a time out to cool off. Then get back to the calm discussion.

5. Share. Share time, share ideas, share rituals, share hobbies, share vacations, share meals and create positive memories together.

For better and for worse, in sickness and in health, it’s always key to love and to cherish (I’m not so sure about the honoring and obeying part).

Higher & Higher, Jackie Wilson

New Habits Require Patience (and a few other things)

2011-10-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

I like the way Michael Arloski talks about developing new habits in his book, Wellness coaching for lasting lifestylechange. In short:

*Patience helps us stick to new behaviors even when they’re difficult. It’ll get easier.

*Self-compassion allows us to keep positive instead of letting in self-criticism.

*Celebration encourages us to notice the positive changes and take time to feel really good about them.

*Structures are reminders (like an alarm on your phone or a picture of your desired vacation destination on your desk) of what we want to do.

*Support from others helps us stay on track.

*Coaches help us do all of the above and keep doing it even when the going gets tough.

Whether you’re cutting out coffee or cheesecake, adding walking or swimming, or practicing your loving kindness each day, change is hard. Cultivating patience helps with all of the above, all of which help with developing new habits.

Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson

Flourishing: How to live the good life

2011-10-03T17:26:00.000-07:00

Check out my latest newsletter about flourishing.

It may be easier than you think to live the good life.

Start today!

Consider Your Wellness

2011-09-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

When you hear “wellness,” what comes to mind? How would you define your own wellness? Is it physical, mental, emotional? Take a moment and consider what wellness means to you. Of course you get to hear my definition:

Wellness is being the best one can be physically, emotionally and spiritually. Pursuing wellness involves growth in each of the three areas, sometimes placing more emphasis on one area than another, but always with a balance among the three. Pursuing wellness means being fully engaged in one’s physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

This is my abbreviated version of the American Holistic Health Association’s Wellness Quiz. Do you:

-awaken with enthusiasm and confidence?

-have the high energy you need to do the things you want to do?

-laugh easily and often especially at yourself?

- feel valued and appreciated?

-have a circle of warm, caring friends?

-make the choices to get you want you want every day?

As they point out, if you answer no to any of the questions, this is where you can start to work on your wellness. Take another moment and consider what you can do to increase your energy, enthusiasm or confidence. What can you do to laugh more and take yourself less seriously? What steps can you take to increase or enhance your circle of friends? Most importantly, what will it take for you to make choices that get you what you want and need? And no, not in a selfish, hurtful way, but in a caring, responsible way that considers the needs of others and perhaps even the planet.

Take one small step to improve your wellness today. Comment with your wellness definition.

Good Day Sunshine. The Beatles

How to Give Good Feedback

2011-09-18T14:22:00.000-07:00

How do you give good feedback? By good feedback I don’t mean telling people positive things. I mean how to tell people negative things, the hard truths, in a good way. It’s a kinder, gentler tiger mom approach.

Your kid does poorly on an exam, your friend blows a job interview, your spouse doesn’t reach their weight loss goal for the week, etc. How to respond?

It’s not your job to soften the blow. Telling someone they did as well as they could gives the message that their best isn’t good enough. It also frees them from feeling bad. Feeling badly because you did poorly is motivating. You get the message that you’re not doing as well as you need to do. That makes people try harder.

Focus on the change that needs to be made. If they understand why they failed, they can look at other actions to take in the future. The idea that you can make changes and do better is motivating and increases confidence.

Focus on controllables. The focus is on what they did, not what they are. Focus on effort, not ability. Focus on new strategies, planning and persistence, i.e., on grit. It’s not that they’re not good enough, it that they didn’t do something they needed to do, and that thing is under their control.

Be honest. People can tell when you’re not being honest and it undermines any feedback you give now or in the future.

Good feedback might include some of the following ideas. Maybe you studied but you didn’t study the right way; next time you may want to try focusing on writing notes, memorizing more, or starting sooner. Perhaps you need to use a different strategy in the next interview; next time you may want to be more enthusiastic, have a better explanation for your interest in the position or be better prepared with your job history. It’s great that you’ve been careful with your carbs, but maybe you need to be getting to the gym an extra day or two.

Good advice for others, and good advice for ourselves. See how well you can tell the hard truth the next time you need to give feedback. And maybe you need a little more honesty with yourself.

For fun: Don’t ask me no questions. Lynyrd Skynyrd

Remembering 9/11

2011-09-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve never written anything about 9/11. It seems far too sacred. But this morning I heard a story about Father Mychal Judge and wanted to share it with my readers. I remember reading about Father Judge at the time. This is a moving and inspiring story about giving, caring, gratitude, humility, bravery, spirituality, citizenship, humor, happiness, fulfillment and love. So many of the character strengths we all aspire to play a part in this piece. Honor your strengths today by using them, and consider trying to practice a new one.

Samuel Barber, Adagio for Strings, Op 11

Achieve Your Goals. Watch Sports!

2011-09-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

It’s a holiday and I’m watching the US Open. I’d planned to just tune in for a bit and then was taken in by Serena. The poise, the power the panache. Then caught a bit of the Djokovic/Dolgopolov match, or I should say it caught me, as they played the tiebreaker for the first set and it’s 12-12 as I write. For those of you that don’t follow tennis, that’s a lot of points for a tiebreaker. Meaning, they’re both going at it hard…very, very hard. It’s electric, as one of the commentators said.

Which made me wonder. Why do we watch? Why is it so engaging to see these stars, and sometimes not-yet stars, duke it out? Is it, as Updike said of Ted Williams:

For me, Williams is the classic ballplayer of the game on a hot August weekday, before a small crowd, when the only thing at stake is the tissue-thin difference between a thing done well and a thing done ill.

Which reminds me of a bit of research I’ve just been reading about building up your self-control “muscle.” It’s up to 15-14 now. They’re just going strong. Yes, the research, it’s about the idea that when we hang out with successful people, we’re likely to be more successful ourselves. And Djokovic, the number one player in the world right now, won it 16-14. But it’s still just the first set mind you. Yeah, the research suggests that whether we’re exercising, dieting or trying to be more creative, hanging out with people who do that thing well is likely to help us in our efforts.

And that’s why I love reading Updike (it’s my version of hanging out with Updike), his eloquence being just that difference between a thing done well and a thing done ill. Which is what I’m aspiring to.

The takeaway? Do whatever it takes to surround yourself with people doing the thing you aspire to. Whether they’re friends, workout partners, colleagues or those folks we love to watch on tv kicking, throwing, hitting and doing whatever else can be done with a round object. When I sat down in front of the tv I was feeling a bit sluggish, and now, I’m totally ready to brush up on my serve and get out on the court.

Life Coaching For Cancer Patients And Their Loved Ones

2011-08-24T17:44:00.000-07:00

Guest blogger Emily Walsh is the Community Outreach Director for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. She is passionate about helping cancer patients find holistic complementary therapies that address the wellbeing of the mind, body & spirit.

Life Coaching For Cancer Patients And Their Loved Ones , Emily Walsh

Living with cancer is a daily challenge that affects all aspects of life. Marriage and love relationships, parenting, work, finances, recreation, and spirituality are some of the things that families must deal with, in the context of cancer.

People affected by cancer must deal with a range of emotions that run the gamut, from depression and confusion, to anger and frustration, to feeling powerless and hopeless. While every family member experiences these emotions to one degree or another, the cancer experience can feel like an endless, isolated situation.

Whether cancer is treatable (like an early-stage skin malignancy) or rare (such as mesothelioma), all cancer patients can benefit from having an understanding support system. Women with breast cancer, men with prostate cancer, and even those with an unfavorable mesothelioma prognosis, need to know there are things they can do to cope with their disease.

Life Coaching For Cancer Support

Studies show that cancer support networks can positively affect the emotional health of cancer patients and their families. Not only do they teach important coping skills, but they also improve a family’s overall quality of life. Support groups are not, however, the only support system for cancer patients.

Life coaching, also known as wellness coaching, is another beneficial support for those affected by cancer. Life coaching helps cancer patients look at their unique situations from a different perspective. It is a powerful support that looks at life in a positive, non-judgmental way.

An Integrative Wellness Service

An integrative wellness service, life coaching addresses the social, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of cancer patients and their loved ones. Coaches help patients gain a better understanding of their current situation, including their strengths and weaknesses, their assets, and their resources.

The coaching process gives patients a clear focus and awareness of what is truly important in their lives. While wellness coaching involves interaction between coach and patient, a large part of the coaching role is to listen to patients and offer supportive feedback.

Life coaching does not dwell on past issues and experiences. Rather, it helps families discover their strengths, skills, knowledge, and abilities as they focus on the present and move toward the future. It enables cancer patients to face their daily struggles with hope, dignity, and balance. Life coaching empowers everyone affected by cancer, in all areas of life.

Crank up Your Subjective Well-Being

2011-08-17T19:01:00.000-07:00

At the recent World Congress of the International Positive Psychology Association, Ed Diener, psychologist extraordinaire, said the number one predictor of enjoyment in life is reflected by the ability to say: “I learned new thing and I used my abilities today.”

By “enjoyment in life,” Diener is referring to subjective well being (SWB). SWB is a combination of positive emotion, negative emotion and overall satisfaction with life. As you might expect, more positives, fewer negatives and a good amount of satisfaction lead to a high score in SWB. How do you score yourself? How can you crank it up a notch?

On the learning side, we may learn something about the world by reading the newspaper or a novel. We may learn something new from a film, a conversation or an article on the internet.

With respect to using abilities, you may use some of your abilities, or strengths, at work (e.g., determination, creativity, zest), and perhaps other abilities with your friends, partner or kids (e.g., lovingness, problem solving, patience).

There are lots of ways to tweak learning and to use your abilities. Often we combine both. If you decide to take a class in French cooking, you’re learning and you may be using your strengths in courage and creativity. If you set a goal of learning one new fact about the world daily, you may also be using your strength in intellectual curiosity and open-mindedness.

My challenge: notice daily whether you are learning and using abilities. If you aren’t, crank it up a notch. If you are, crank it up a notch anyway. Then see whether you feel a greater sense of enjoyment and confidence, and maybe even courage.

Music to crank it up a notch: I Feel Good, James Brown

Are You Moving Forward?

2011-08-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

According to Thomas Delong, a Harvard Business School Professor, if we’re not moving forward, we’re regressing. The only way that individuals change is to do something new, which by definition means you’ll do it poorly… Delong believes people can change at any age.

Sometimes it’s difficult to move forward. We get complacent. As Jeffrey Rubin, psychotherapist and author, says: When all is going well… we feel good. And we continue to do what works. But success is a barrier to creativity. We often coast during those times. And as a result, we don't learn anything new, and we don't grow.

How do you keep moving ahead when you’re not in crisis? Think about the times in your life you were really moving forward. What got you going? You probably had a specific goal or purpose in mind. You wanted to get a job and needed a degree or training. You wanted to play a concerto and needed to practice. You got an idea that you wanted to run a marathon and it kept sticking around.

There are many ways to be in stay in action. Possibilities include:

*Keeping a running list of ideas about things you’d like to accomplish, adding to it and modifying it on a regular basis

*Journaling routinely about the goals you’re working on and would like to work on

*Challenging yourself to be better in something daily by, setting a daily intention

*Inspiring yourself to take on something new by writing it down and getting specific

*Creating more inner space to give yourself an opportunity to consider a new direction

*Jumping in and trying something different, just because it seems fun or interesting

My challenge to you: pick one of these, or create your own, and work it

Takes time, you pick a place to go, and just keep truckin on. Truckin’, Grateful Dead

Parenting Resilient Kids

2011-08-08T18:34:00.000-07:00

In How to Land Your Kid in Therapy, Lori Gottlieb talks about how privileged kids grow up to have self-esteem and coping problems. The problem? You guessed it. Parenting.

Gottlieb isn’t talking about parents being abusive or neglectful, she’s talking about a kind of emotional overindulgence. It’s about the idea that we have to make our kids happy. All the time. And we have to make sure they’re never unhappy. Ever.

What’s the problem with this? If we protect kids from any type of emotional upset, how do they learn to cope with discomfort? If we protect them from anything that doesn’t go their way, how do they respond when things don’t go their way as adults? How to they develop resilience?

I’m recalling a friend telling me, totally calmly, that she’d have to call me back. Her son was calling her from college. She was at her job in New York. He wanted her to give him directions to a job interview…in Colorado. Seriously? She thought it was totally fine.

I’m also recalling the time I had my son, 4 years old or so, in a time out in the post office and was told by a woman, You should be ashamed. Of what? Parenting authoritatively? It’s on such occasions I’m tempted to give a stranger my card and suggest they get in touch about any parenting problems they may have in the future.

Gottlieb references Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of theTiger Mother on how we try to protect our kids from the pain of competition and pretend that average achievement is superior. Who are we helping with that?

My suggestions:

*Let your child make their own apologies, whether it’s to the shopkeeper after they’ve taken a candy bar or their friend, after they’ve hurt them.

*Let your child negotiate their own issues with teachers, whether it’s about a grade they didn't like or an assignment they need more time on.

*Be honest about their weaknesses, and their strengths.

*Use rewards appropriately, i.e., when they’ve done something worthy, not just because you don’t want them to feel bad.

*Be a good coach, i.e., work on how your child might do and say things, but don’t do or say it for them.

You’re going to watch your child go through all manner of losses, failures and hurts. It’s all going to make them stronger.

House in the Country, Blood Sweat & Tears

When Did You Mysteriously Stop Doing…?

2011-08-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

I used to love reading mysteries. At some point, I decided I didn’t have the time and it wasn’t really productive reading. I just finished The Private Patient, by PD James and really enjoyed it. I even got some ideas from it (like this blog).

I’ve heard the same refrain, wistfully, from a number of people in the last week:

I used to [paint, write poetry, play music, etc], but…

Is there something you used to do? I don’t mean something you’re happy not to do, like get drunk on Friday night, drive too fast or, well, you get the idea. But is there something you used to enjoy doing that you’ve given up? Was it something that renewed your energy and gave you a little more zest?

Reasons people give for giving up things they love include, but are not limited to:

*I don’t have time

*It makes my bf, gf, mother, spouse, etc., nervous, competitive, etc.

*I’m not that good at it

*It seems stupid

*I don’t make money doing it

*It’s not important

I see way too many people these days with no hobbies, interests or activities that they engage in just for fun. They work, take care of kids or other family members and maintain households. They do things like plant gardens that will look nice but they have no time to enjoy them. They go out to lunch with people they don’t like that much because they ought to. They paint rooms in their homes because they think they should.

Stop for a moment and consider if there are things you used to enjoy doing that have mysteriously slipped out of your life. Consider whether you’d like to have them back. I know it takes a little time, but does that spare room really need to be straightened out this week? Can you leave work behind for the 30 minutes it would take to listen to a little music? Go crazy and cook that fantastic dish that’s going to take an extra hour to make, just for the fun of it. Or just pick up your favorite mystery writer’s latest.

Just for fun: Mysterious Ways, U2

Create Inner Space

2011-08-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

One of Jeffrey Rubin’s suggestions for flourishing is creating more inner space. He calls it “the capacity we all have to sit with and reflect on thoughts and feelings at our own pace.” You can access inner space anywhere by doing a variety of things. Meditation, yoga, reading, music writing and being in nature are some of the ways he identifies. Anything that cultivates “clarity and equanimity” expands inner space.

The task for you is to consider what helps you think more clearly and what enables you to create more acceptance in your life. These are the things that help create more inner space.

In Poser, My Life in23 Yoga Poses, Claire Dederer says, about one type of yoga:

It’s a quality of inwardness, of contemplation…Try to feel from within, rather than judging and looking at what’s on the outside.

This sounds a lot like creating inner space. Poser is also a great read.

I’m unable to locate any scholarly work addressing inner space. That’s my euphemistic way of saying I don’t know if there’s any research to support this. But it sounds a lot like, but not quite the same as, cultivating mindfulness, which does have a great deal of research support.

My suggestion: think about how much time (or how little time) you spend in quiet reflection. Ask yourself if you’d like to take steps to increase that time. If that’s a yes, identify a couple of things you can do to expand your inner space.

My other suggestion: Time, Pink Floyd.

Inspiration for a Boomer Birthday

2011-07-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

Several days before my birthday I heard about a 61 year old about to swim from Cuba to Miami. Diana Nyad isn’t just anybody. She’s one of my public radio “friends.” After 30 years of retirement from competitive swimming, she decided to try it again (she’d tried it before in 1978). Talk about grit, optimism and high performance. It’s a great story.

When my birthday came and I was about to go on my morning run, I decided to make it count. Instead of the usual pre-work 4 miles right from my house through the neighborhood, I was inspired by Diana’s story. I went to my favorite running place and ran the 5 I really felt like running. I was rewarded with a white heron, some deer and a fawn, the wind on my face and a feeling of freedom. I got to that sweet spot of running where your legs, arm and breath are all in perfect synchrony. I was grateful that at my age I can still do an easy 5 miles in a beautiful, serene setting and that I was able to take the time to make it a little more special that day.

There are so many small ways to make life a little sweeter. You don’t have to swim 104 miles. How can you turn something routine into something just a little more special? Be inspired.

From Diana’s story, AHorse With No Name, America

Sex Selection And Other Parental Control Issues

2011-07-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

When I read about parents in India and China selecting forthe sex of their children, at first I thought it had nothing to do with the parenting issues I address with clients. Then I started to wonder. Sex selection is a choice you can make in utero that is not based on the medical status of your fetus. One physician suggested that you can choose whether to be a parent, but you can’t choose whether to have a boy or girl, or a tall or short child. Obviously ne never saw My Sister’s Keeper (which raised some similar and fascinating issues). Of course when it comes to gender, it’s not whether you can choose, it’s whether you ought to choose.

My interest is more about what happens later. Say you choose a boy, does he then have to go to medical school? Play the piano? Marry a woman of the same class and race? Where does it end?

As the article states, regardless of the reason…sex selection prioritizes the needs of one generation over another, making having children more about bringing parents satisfaction than about responsibly creating an independent human being.

Think about that. Then ask yourself how much your decisions, vis-à-vis your children, are about meeting your needs, and how much they’re about creating an independent human being? An independent human being would be one you would accept (as in accept their preferences), trust (as in trust them to do the right thing) and respect (as in listen when their opinions or choices differ from your own. Raising an independent human being might mean that this human’s choices would not be the same as your choices, that the right thing for you might not be the right thing for them.

I think the whole selection issue raises some very important and interesting ideas to contemplate as parents of children any age. Most adults I know can still feel the disapproval from their own parents from just a glance or a sigh, and continue to live with that burden as parents and grandparents themselves. That’s definitely not the kind of future relationship I’m hoping for with my child. Consider where you fall on this issue, and how it affects your relationships with your kids and parents. It’s never too late to make a change.

Daughters, John Mayer

Is Your Goal to Be Good, or Get Better?

2011-07-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

Having just written about getting healthy, I’m struck by the relevance of be good vs get better goals in the pursuit of health. Actually, they’re relevant in the pursuit of many things, perhaps most things. Check out Heidi Halvorson’s book, Succeed, for more on these issues.

A be good goal is one in which you are trying to show how, well, how good you are. Getting the A, the promotion or the win is usually a be good goal. Get better goals are those in which, you guessed it, you’re trying to get better in some way. Learning the material that goes into getting the A, getting your skills to the next level because it’s exciting and fun and that gets you the promotion, winning the game because you know you’ve trained hard, played your absolute best and the win is just the icing on the cake, these are about getting better.

If being good is about success, getting better is about the journey.

What does this have to do with getting healthy? You can see how it works. A be good goal for health is to lose 50 pounds. Look folks, I lost 50 pounds. How cool is that! A get better goal is to work on healthy, mindful eating by selecting a healthy eating plan and asking the mindful questions every time you want to eat something. You know that you’re learning something, mastering something and growing as you put this get better plan into place.

It’s the same with going to the gym. I’m going to lift 50 pounds by September vs I’m going to find some things at the gym, in the park or in my house, that I can do 3 times a week that I enjoy enough to do week in and week out unless I’m sick or dead. And maybe an exercise buddy would help, something you can do if you’re getting better, but is more difficult to do when you’re trying to prove you can be good.

Consider your goals in any area. It’s all about how you think about things. In most cases, a reframe to a get better mentality, much like a growth mindset, will keep you moving and give you a much happier ride.

GettingBetter. The Beatles.

Real Men Get Healthy…And It’s Not Just for Men

2011-07-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

Men don’t see to their health the way women do. It’s just a fact. That means they don’t get screenings they need and don’t get go to a doctor for health problems they notice. No, not all men, but too many. There are many reasons including the idea that it’s not macho to ask for help, that it fits with the higher risk-taking seen among men and that it’s related to emotional suppression.

Men who are self-reliant, real men perhaps, tend to take better charge of their health. It’s not self-reliant as in doing everything on your own, it’s more like knowing you need to take control, because no one else will.

Women are not immune to some of these same difficulties. I’m the first to admit that I can be too macho at times. Witness me forcing that yoga pose that my body is really not ready for. Ditto suppressing difficult emotions and taking undue risk.

What’s a man or woman to do?

*Everyone worries about their health, male or female. It’s okay to have appropriate concern and take appropriate steps like…

*Checking with your doctor about things you might need to do. Don’t have a doctor? Get one. Read about health screening you might need. Consider your family history and look more closely at screenings for diseases present in your family.

*Learning more about how to stay healthy whether male or female.

*Make a plan for your health maintenance by having reminders in your calendar (which is probably electronic so you can plan ahead for the next 50 years or so) and be clear on your intention to stick to the plan.

*Take control and use your grit. You can only be there for your family, friends or work if you’re healthy.

I’ve written before about healthy life styles. I’m not saying it’s all about seeing doctors and taking tests. It’s also about learning and being active in your own healthcare. It doesn’t have to be new year’s to make a resolution. How about it? Be manly. Take one step to be more in charge of your health today.

Healthy Living and Plastic Surgery?

2011-06-23T19:32:00.000-07:00

My local paper ran a “Healthy Living” section one recent Sunday. I suspect it’s just another way to get advertising money. One of the ads, for a “plastic surgery center,” which I suspect is just one physician trying to make himself sound like an institution, caught my eye. It listed the top 8 reasons women (of course) seek plastic surgery. In all fairness, I recently read that men are seeking plastic surgery with alarming frequency as well. But the top 8 include, as you might expect, getting rid of wrinkles and “unwanted hair.” Also in the list are increasing boobage and lip size. Then there are the removals, of fat, bags and “extra skin.”

You’re reading a section of the paper about healthy living, and you see ads for surgery right next to articles about yoga, sunscreen and household mold. What’s wrong with this picture?

How about acceptance of who we are instead of focusing on our inadequacies? If we’re not happy with who we are how about working on changing who we are inside, not outside?

Mental note: questions to ask self before signing up for plastic surgery:

1. Is this going to make me a better person?

2. Is this going to make me happy?

3. If I gave the money I’m going to spend on this to someone in need, would that make me happier?

4. If I spent this money on myself in some other way (e.g., joining a gym, taking a class, taking a trip, hiring a coach!) would that make me happier?

5. What do I really need to be happier?

On the very same day I read “Healthy Living,” I came across Tina Fey’s “Twelve Tenets of Looking Amazing Forever,” in her awesomely funny memoir, Bossypants. Number twelve is touted as the most important one to remember:

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”

I rest my case.

For fun: Vogue, Madonna

Friendliness in Murfreesboro, TN and Other Places

2011-06-18T10:31:00.000-07:00

One of the things I’ve noticed living in the South, is how friendly people are. When I run near home, people always say hi, wave a hand or give a nod. The first time I ran on Cape Cod after living in Georgia for a year, I was struck by the lack of acknowledgement. I’ve run all over the world and I’m struck by the variability in friendliness.

Among Seligman’s signature strengths are loving and being loved, and kindness and generosity. They fall under the general heading Humanity and Love. Also relevant are several strengths falling under the general heading of Transcendence. These include gratitude and sense of purpose. It seems to me that having strengths in these areas could account for some of the differences. We know there are regional personality differences.

At the top of the friendliness thermometer are places where I say hi, 99% of people say hi back, and lots say hi first. In the middle, are places where 50% say hi back, most don’t say hi first, but most kids in little bike trailers and jogging strollers wave. At the bottom are places where few say high back, virtually none say hi first and even the little kids don’t acknowledge me. In these places you start to wonder if you’ve entered the twilight zone and have mysteriously become invisible.

How hard is it to say hi or otherwise acknowledge a fellow human? Particularly when you’re responding to someone else and you don’t have to initiate and run the risk of, heaven forbid, rejection. But what if you do take the leap, initiate, and said hi to a stranger? I can almost guarantee you’ll feel a little jolt of good-will, especially if they respond positively. It has to be a happiness-boosting activity. And Murfreesboro, I'd give you an 8 out of 10.

Never Hear Surf Music Again, Free Blood

College and Your Signature Strengths

2011-06-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

While Mike Rose, author of Why School?, says you have to think about the cost of college in relation to the benefits, he also points out that it’s not just a question of the economics. Indeed, his points all relate to values that underlie signature strengths.

Rose asks that we consider what it means to be educated. In addition to how much you’re going to earn, consider the following reasons to consider education beyond high school, and the strengths I associate with each:

Civic purpose – To have a functioning democracy in which the citizens understand something about politics and economics. Strengths: Citizenship, Leadership

Intellectual growth – Learning enables you to find interests and pursuits that expand your vision. Strengths: Judgment, Critical thinking, Love of learning

Social benefit – Education helps us learn to think together and sometimes disagree, to problem solve together, and it exposes us to other points of view. Strengths: Open-mindedness, Perspective, Teamwork

A place to experiment – College is a place you can figure out what you want to do with your life and find your passion. Strengths: Future-mindedness, Sense of purpose, Zest, Enthusiasm, Passion

I say you consider tweaking your strengths by continuing your education, at any phase of life.

Meditative Psychology & The Art of Flourishing

2011-06-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

Just out today is Dr. Jeffrey Rubin’s The Art of Flourishing: A New East-West Approach to Staying Sane and Finding Love in an Insane World. Rubin uses his own brand of ”Meditative Psychology” to address challenges of modern life like information overload, demoralization and alienation. The book proposes to help us “access hope.” Rubin identifies twelve qualities that can help you flourish. They’re not the usual positive psychology exhortations to increase PERMA. Rubin talks about some of the lovely eastern concepts of expanding inner space, cultivating clarity and practicing self-care.

I’ve just had a quick peek and I’m really looking forward to settling down with it. You may want to check it out.

It Doesn’t Take 127 Hours to Flourish

2011-05-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

When I first thought about what to say about flourishing, it seemed important, but dry. Martin Seligman’s new book, Flourishing, identifies 5 critical facets of well-being. I’ve also been considering what I wanted to say about 127 hours, the amazing film about the amazing experience of Aron Ralston trapped in a canyon in Utah. And then it came together. The Ralston portrayed in the film displayed so many of the characteristics of happiness and flourishing.

Positive emotion – James Franco as Ralston ventures into the Utah desert and exudes positive feelings like pleasure and joy. They practically explode from his being.

Engagement – You can feel his experience of flow, as he practically flies through the difficult terrain on his bike or on foot.

Relationships – Ralston falls a little short in this department, one of the themes of the film. Seligman says you have to have positive relationships, i.e., someone you can call in 4:00AM. Ralston has his mother, but he shirks his responsibility to her a bit, recognizing this and his desire to relate differently with others.

Meaning – Finding meaning and purpose in one’s activities, something bigger then ourselves is something Ralston discovers during the course of his ordeal.

Accomplishment – Achieving goals for the sake of accomplishing something you desire is also so clearly presented. Ralston just loves doing it. You can tell. It doesn’t matter what’s going to come of it. He’s going to get out there and succeed.

Flourishing is more than happiness (which is more than just feeling good). It also includes other things that are important to us humans. One of those things is accomplishing something for accomplishment’s sake. Another is the importance of relationships; good things tend to involve others.

Consider how you fare in each of the areas. What can you add or change? Do you need more activities that generate positive emotions? More challenging projects? Work on your relationships? More meaningful pursuits? A greater sense of accomplishment?

When you consider taking on a new task, relationship or project, consider how it might contribute to your satisfaction in one or more of the five areas.

Do something today to boost your well-being. You can start with a listen:

Lovely Day. Bill Withers

He Says She Says. Gossip is Protective

2011-05-20T20:05:00.000-07:00

Does it come as a surprise that the human brain is wired for gossip? The more we know about people, the more quickly we know whether or not we want to know them better. Apparently, we’re just lazy. Why bother to go to the trouble of asking someone about themselves when we can just find out from a friend? The recent study by Lisa Feldman Barrett and her colleagues demonstrated that when we believe someone has done something bad, we actually look at them more carefully. Presumably, this is to be better able to assess their threat. Or possibly to figure out what’s wrong with them so we can use it against them. It makes sense.

Does research provide carte blanche to gossip? I think not. Just because we’re wired to gossip doesn’t mean we have to secretively discuss people and their every flaw and faux pas. There are those who believe that gossip has the additional purpose of alerting us to potential moral pitfalls and potential social missteps. We hear about the mistakes of others via the grapevine and it gives us a heads up vis-à-vis our own behavior.

Naturally, some of us love to talk. And gossip is a form of talk. Didja hear about so-and-so? It gives you a bit of an edge in the never-ending battle of one-upsmanship. I know something you don’t know.

So what’s a thinking person to do? How about an experiment? Don’t gossip tomorrow. When you’re tempted, consider the purpose. Are you out to hurt someone? Expose them? Learn more about them? Where’s the value? What’s the good in it? What’s an alternative? Is it just harmless conversation?

Personally, I think we’ve evolved far enough to have a limited need for protective gossip. If someone isn’t particularly nice, I’ll find out soon enough. Most of us can probably figure out whether we’re about to make a mistake, without hearing about someone else’s. Surely we can ascertain whether our behavior is moral or immoral, consistent with our values or not.

It took me by surprise I must say

When I found out yesterday…

I heard it through the grapevine, Marvin Gaye

Happy Mental Health Month!

2011-05-18T04:56:00.000-07:00

Do you know it’s mental health month? According to the American Psychological Association, mental health is "the way your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors affect your life. Having good mental health helps you make better decisions and deal with daily stressors at home, at work, and in your family."

What does this have to do with you? I can’t imagine a better time to take your mental health temperature. Or think of it as a mental health self-exam, or self study.

I’m challenging you to examine where you stand in a number of areas identified by Robert Walsh as therapeutic lifestyle factors. These factors represent all the things you know you ought to do to feel better about yourself and function better in the world. Walsh has found that changes in these factors improve well-being and optimize cognitive functioning. These factors include, not surprisingly:

*Regular exercise
*Healthy diet (lot of vegetables, fruit and fish)
*Spending time in nature
*Serving your community
*Having healthy relationships
*Engaging in recreation and relaxation
*Active spiritual life

On a scale of 1 to 10, where do you stand in each area? Pick one area and deciding on one small change. It could be walking for 10 minutes 3 days a week, eating veggies with dinner daily, calling a friend once a week…you get the idea. Choose one thing and practice it regularly. Try more if you can. Do it for your mental health.

Your Body Talks. Listen!

2011-05-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

Athletes know, or they should know, that sometimes you have to rest. The same applies to those of us whose work isn’t physical. Creatives need rest too. So do daters, parents, teachers and pretty much anyone else you can think of. Or maybe you fit several of these categories. We all have many roles. And it can really get physically tiring.

This is my take on some of Jayme Otto’s top 10 indicators, signaling the body’s need for rest, for runners and non-runners.

* Elevated heart rate creates physical stress that interferes with running. It also interferes with thinking, reasoning and engaging with others. We usually call it anxiety. It gets in the way. How do you de-stress?

* Insufficient sleep. Need I say more?

* Lack of energy. You just don’t have the get-up-and-go. You can feel it. You have to identify which factors may be depleting you (e.g., poor diet, interrupted sleep, stress) and take appropriate action, including REST.

* Moodiness. Irritability, anxiety, depression and other negative mood states interfere with performance. You may have to get to the core, but rest may also do the trick.

*Dehydration is a factor for athletes, but it also affects performance for all of us. You just don’t have the energy if you don’t drink enough water. Headaches can result from dehydration. As Otto points out, you can tell if you pee is dark yellow. Seriously.

* Physical state. Illness, PMS or injury will affect how much energy you have to get the job done. Recognize it and don’t push it.

* Performance. Having a bad day at work or at home tells you something is wrong. Try to identify what’s contributing to the difficulty.

Of course, you can’t just skip work (or maybe a day, call it a mental health day) or your job as a parent or partner. But you may be able to catch some respite by getting some help or offloading some of your responsibilities.

Otto also points out that too much rest isn’t helpful. If you’re a runner, you try to cross-train on rest days. When you take a rest from your usual work or activities, it makes sense to engage in something else that stretches and nourishes you in a different way. Be creative. Read a novel, catch a few movies, go out with the friends, visit a museum. Vacations, day trips and novel activities are ways to try to replenish and rest from your usual demands.

I’m So Tired. The Beatles

Creative Work-Life Balance

2011-05-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

Find your harmonious, happy equilibrium with creative work-life balance.

Check out my new eZine article: Create Work-Life Balance with a Flexible, Intentional Plan

Happy Childfree Day

2011-05-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

To those of you who are not mothers, we ought to include you in the celebration. I heard a story today about Melanie Notkin‘s book about aunts. This category of women includes “aunts by choice,” which would include a couple of my BFFs. It would include godmothers. Some of the aunts are women who weren’t able to have children and enjoy this contact with children. Some of the aunts are women who, unbelievably, decide they don’t want the endless, and it is endless, responsibility of motherhood. These women decide they will find their joy elsewhere, like from friends, lovers or work perhaps. Crazy, huh?

I’m reminded of a book I read during the infertility days, Sweet Grapes. How to stop being infertile and start living again, by Jean and Michael Carter. It talked about things like identifying the advantages of living childfree, making a choice about whether to live childfree and still live a fulfilling life, and becoming childfree instead of remaining infertile. It was very helpful at the time.

If you’re not completely satisfied with your childfree state, ask yourself whether you can make the choice to be happy and fulfilled without children. Are you really unhappy being childfree, or is it just that you think you ought to be, because society dictates it or because it’s a habit of thought you’ve hung onto. If you need a child, it’s time to figure out how to make it happen. So many options, including aunt by choice. If you don’t need a child, then it’s time to move on. Figure out where you’re going and get on the road.

To all the aunts by choice or birth, have a great day! We couldn’t do it without you. To all the childfree, more power to you and have a great day! And to all the rest of you, happy mother’s day!

Do what you like. Blind Faith

Hang Tough: Challenge Yourself

2011-05-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

So this guy, Troy Espiritu, starts running ultramarathons at 35. The guy’s a podiatrist with 4 kids. The article in Psychology Today is about getting tough, not so you can run 100 miles, but so you can handle challenges. We know about the things you’re supposed to do to hang tough: have a network to rely on, exercise, use reward and challenge yourself. It’s this last one that caught my eye.

What does it take you push your limits? Charles A. Morgan, a psychologist at Yale, believes that tackling challenges makes us tougher. You have to believe in yourself to tackle new challenges. And succeeding at new challenges makes us more confident. But the first step is to be willing to give it a shot. After all, you don’t have to succeed every time, do you?

Why bother? Of course, whatever does not kill you will make you stronger. So getting stronger and tougher means getting ready for the inevitable challenges life will bring. But I think there’s also an element of joy in the process. As you get stronger you realize you can rise to the challenge. You realize accomplishing a higher goal is fun and a powerfully liberating experience. You feel more confident in other things.

I’m always wary when friends and clients say, when [fill in the blank] happens (usually it’s someone dying or your kid leaving for college or another loss), I’m going to fall apart…I won’t be able to take it…It’ll be unbearable…or some variation on this theme. What I usually want to say is something along the lines of, If you think that way, you’re surely setting yourself up for failure…Few things are that terrible…Come one, you’re tougher than that.

Challenging yourself is a way to inoculate against the inevitable calamity. You can challenge yourself in any area: social, emotional, spiritual, physical, intellectual, career, hobby. Your challenges could include, among other things, running a half-marathon, publishing a book and becoming an accomplished yogini. How would you like to hang tough?

Hoping I don’t lose readers, I’m liking The Climb, Miley Cyrus, for this.

Parenting Teens. Don’t Stay Inside the Lines

2011-04-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

An authoritative parenting style is one in which you frequently get your teen’s input, state your position clearly, and consistently set and adhere to rules. It tends to have good outcomes for kids. Compassionate communication involves observation of the other’s behavior and feelings, expression of feelings, identification of needs, and requests. It is without judgment, demands or criticism. If I take authoritative parenting and combine it with a little compassionate communication, here are a few conclusions I draw.

Listening. I’ve previously suggested that we talk to our kids about everything, and listen to them about everything. This listening part is one that often gets lost in translation. That does not mean asking them questions and waiting until they respond before telling them what you think. It means, asking questions and listening to responses, pondering where they’re coming from and trying to see how what-I-think and what-they-think can co-exist in the same house. Talking and listening compassionately generates respect.

Rules. How about agreeing on the rules? Each party may haves to compromise on the rules. The parent has to focus on the big items (e.g., curfew, illegal behavior, grades) and let go of the little things (e.g., clothing, hair, tv shows). The parent is responsible for enforcing the rules consistently and calmly. The beauty of consequences is that you don’t have to get angry. You just give the consequence. Sometimes you can even be understanding and not enforce a rule but just discuss and forgive the transgression.

Media. I hesitated before including tv as a small item. And I almost included music. Why? You can’t keep you teen from watching banned media. They have friends with tv don’t they? Friends with iPods? The best suggestion I can make here goes back to talking to your teen. Find out why they’re attracted to content you find objectionable. Talk about how you see it. If you’ve established respect, your teen may actually take you opinion under consideration.

Micromanaging. Trying to control everything is not necessary and it’s downright annoying, as we all know from personal experience with those trying to micromanage us. It suggests to the teen that you don’t believe they’re capable of figuring out how to get their homework done, managing to keep the gas tank filled or selecting good friends. If you have an opinion about one of these areas, or others, ask if your opinion would be of interest. Then give it carefully.

Role Models. Be a good role model and expose your teen to other good role models. You can’t make another human being believe or feel something. You probably can’t even make your teen do something they don’t want to do. You can only provide a foundation from which, hopefully, they’ll make good choices. But not always. Mistakes, of course, provide the best learning.

They love to tell you stay inside the lines

But something’s better on the other side

No Such Thing, John Mayer

Between the Phases of Life, Move Into the Gap

2011-04-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

According to Wikipedia, the gap year, AKA year abroad, year out, year off, deferred year, bridging year, time off and time out ,is typically the year students sometimes take before starting college, though some also take it after college graduation. The time is used for travel, volunteer work, working abroad, exploring new directions and becoming more independent.

In a recent piece, Jane Pauley talked about a gap in experience that kids might like to fill before, or even during their college years. She mentions empty nesters as having a similar opportunity. It inspired my thinking about gap phases of life. Are you an empty nester, new retiree, new divorcee or just in a position to take a sabbatical? Perhaps in this economy you don’t have money or time for a break. You can still carve out a little time to try something new. These are a few ideas for branching out in the gap, or in life:

-Something missing in your life? Always wanted to see India, take a dance class, study sign language? This is your opportunity.

-Back burner items you’ve always planned to do. Start training now for a marathon, enroll in that MBA program or try out for the new play in the local theater. Don’t wait for free time that never comes.

-Meeting new people. We all put off nonessential social contacts when we’re pressured for time. Make time for a coffee or lunch with someone new.

-Exploring your community. Find volunteer opportunities, museums, parks, hikes, music in clubs and other local options you haven’t explored.

The fact is, anytime is a great time to move into the gap and fill it with new experiences and get creative. What’s in the gap for you?

Mood music: The Gap. Thompson Twins

Use it or Lose It. The Aging Brain

2011-04-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

It seems that even if you have some Alzheimer’s by the time you go, which apparently lots of us will, building your cognitive reserve helps to offset the effects. In other words, no one will notice that you’re not 100%, maybe not even you. How do you do it? You work on some or all of the following while you still have the chance, i.e., NOW!

Education. This ain’t just schoolin’, although formal education helps. This includes what we refer to as lifelong learning. Taking classes, reading and talking to people about the things you learn about.

Stimulating activities. Kayaking, attending concerts, working at a soup kitchen, and so on. Doing, not sitting. Getting out, not staying in.

Purpose. What’s your purpose in life? Is it taking care of people, making a better world, teaching others, or simply making each day count? Whatever you do, make it purposeful.

Conscientiousness. Whatever you do, do it with full intention, do it carefully, and finish what you start.

Social networking. How many ways can I say it? People matter. Whether you visit, do lunch or just call and chat, make time for the important people in your life.

Physical Exercise. I suppose this is a no brainer, so to speak. I don’t care if it’s walking or running, tennis or ping pong, yoga or zumba. Do something!

You’re never too old to make a contribution, as Sidney Harman showed at 90.

When I’m 64, The Beatles

Wait a Minute…Women’s Weight Concerns

2011-04-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

A recent study found that 30% of women would trade at least a year of their life to attain their idea body image. 10% would trade 2-5 years!!! These same women are apparently willing to sacrifice money, promotions, time with family and their health, for this same goal of attaining ideal body weight and shape.

Wait a minute. Have they ever heard of exercise and eating a healthy diet? I’m reminded of boob jobs and, my recent favorite, surgery to produce elf ears. Yes, seriously.

But there are reasons for their concerns. Almost half of the women in the study had been ridiculed because of their appearance. Almost all had negative thoughts about their physical appearance within the prior week. The real kicker, 98% were within the normal range for weight.

I’ve gone on about healthy eating and exercise before. Let me try something a little different here. How often have you done the following:

-Told a woman (friend, lover, sister) teen or girl that she looks great, healthy or fit?

-Complimented a woman for eating healthy?

-Praised a woman for keeping up her exercise routine?

-Accepted that a woman doesn’t want seconds or dessert the first time she declines?

-Suggested a woman take some time for herself to go to the gym or take a walk?

Can you think of other ways to support the women in your life in their exercise and dietary goals? I have to say, I’m a healthy eater and an avid exerciser. Some would use other adjectives to describe my eating and exercise. People tease me about both. I’m suggesting that we try to support women and girls in their efforts, and offer appropriate praise for physical appearance. And when doubt strikes, wait a minute, and ask yourself what’s really important?

Beautiful Soul, Jesse McCartney

The Best Laid Plans

2011-04-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

One thing I learned in this business is that things turn out other than you planned them to, no matter what it is. And you can't predict what's going to happen. Bill Danoff

That’s Bill Danoff talking about the song he co-wrote with Taffy Nivert, Take Me Home, Country Roads. They intended the song for Johnny Cash but John Denver happened upon it. Who knew.

Country roads
Take me home
To the place I belong

What I like about this tidbit is how it illustrates a truth: The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry. You can’t predict what’s going to happen in the future, no matter how well you think you planned things out. And sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

-That school you were planning to go to, but didn’t get into…you can go someplace else, which is where you belong.

-That person you thought you’d spend your life with…maybe it didn’t work out and you’ll find someone else, who is who you belong with.

-That job you knew had your name on it…someone else thought it was their dream job and you wind up with another, that’s right for you.

-The 2.3 kids you thought you’d birth the traditional way…maybe it doesn’t turn out that way, and you’ll have a family in a way you never expected (so to speak).

-The house, the car, the vacation, the retirement plan…maybe none turn out quite as planned, and you’ll have what you need, be where you’re supposed to be, and it will all be right for you.

The great part is that John Denver turned out to be the perfect person to sing that song. So don’t wish you could go back and change the mistakes, embrace the new ending. Figure out how to make it work for you.

Still thou art blessed compared with me
The present only toucheth thee
But ouch! I backward cast my eye
On prospects drear!

Robert Burns, To a mouse, on turning her up in her nest with the plough

Hear the NPR interview and see a video of John Denver singing Take Me Home, Country Roads.

Bliss vs the American Dream

2011-03-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

There’s a great piece in Psychology Today raising serious questions about the American pursuit of happiness and the American dream. No news there. But consider this.

Only in America,

…does family time largely exclude non-family members.
…do we turn down social invitations in order to spend quality time with our kids.
…do parents not have a social life that excludes their kids.
…do we expect that having children is going to bring us a lifetime of bliss.
…do we expect that working more, so we can have the perfect house, in the perfect neighborhood, will make our family perfect and happy.

Well guess what? All of that doesn’t seem to make us happier. Suggestions, anyone?

Yes,

…you can have dinner with your kids and an adult friend.
… you can attend the theater instead of the 9-year-old’s party.
… you can socialize with your colleagues or girl/guy friends.
… you can bliss with your kids, and yes, you must also find your bliss elsewhere.
… you can be happy with just what you need, without having to work endlessly to get the best.

Expecting that all bliss will come from this one pursuit--2.3 children, house, white picket fence, Spot, Puff--is a losing battle. Seeking your bliss from many sources--work, family, friends, hobbies--is more likely to yield happiness and will be a heck of a lot more fun.
American Pie, Don McLean

Will You Turn Up Today with Emotional Intelligence?

2011-03-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

Whether at work or at home, EI, emotional intelligence (not to be confused with AI, IQ or ET), may determine how you turn up today.

Will you be present or absent? Empathetic or insensitive? Authentic or phony? Centered or reactive? Empowering or disempowering? Resilient or fragile?

EI is a set of skills that defines how effectively an individual perceives, understands, uses and manages their emotions and the emotions of others. It includes abilities in the areas of self-management and self-awareness, social awareness and relationship management.

Calming down when upset, understanding what you feel (and by extension, what others feel), expressing that emotion to others (verbally or nonverbally) and dealing effectively (with empathy and humor) with conflict in relationships are all byproducts of EI skills.

If this sounds a lot like being mindful and communicating nonviolently, you’re right. To those skills add some tools for managing emotions and stress, managing tasks and choosing goals in alignment with your values, and you’re well on the road to turning up with lots of EI.

Just for fun, take an EI test here. And listen to Emotional Rescue, Rolling Stones (with an incredibly young Mick Jagger).

Ask the Questions of Great Art

2011-03-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

In a Psychology Today interview (not on line yet), the playwright Annie Baker said, of her purpose in writing:

I believe that great art investigates the human condition, and tries to explain through images and behavior what the hell we’re doing here on this planet. And of course the answer to that question can’t be articulated in worlds. We can only catch tiny glimpses through music, painting, books, drama.

When my clients or friends are depressed, I often hear them asking questions like what’s the purpose of it all, why am I here. Of course, these are terribly difficult questions to answer. Why is it that when we’re feeling down we are compelled to have the answers? We have trouble answering them when we’re feeling pretty great.

A good journaling exercise for the good times is to try to come up with some answers. That way, when you’re down, you have your ideas and can refer back to them. You don’t have to be an artist, writer, coach or psychologist to come up with answers. Possible questions:

What’s my purpose on the planet?
What will I accomplish?
How will my epitaph read?
What will my legacy be?
If my life were a blank canvas, what would I paint on it?

Don’t wait until you’re down to ask these questions. Try it now. Just for fun. If you are a creative soul and haven’t been pursuing your art, maybe now’s the time for it.

It’s Kind of a Funny Story. Positive Psychology in Action

2011-03-12T08:06:00.000-08:00

It’s not a great film, but It's Kind of a Funny Story is endearing, palatable for the teen crowd (Zach Galifanakis helps here) and filled with great messages.

Cliff notes version: teen contemplates suicide, enters psych ward, meets interesting people and has his Dorothy moment in which he sees that he has everything he needs in his own backyard.

Messages:

Be grateful for what you have and take the time to notice it

Help others before self

People matter and connecting matters

Have real conversations about real stuff

Find your passion, not to be confused with what others think your passion should be

And there were a few messages for parents. Parents, don’t confuse what you want with what’s good for your kids. Kids have to figure out their own passions and make their own choices. Be supportive. Don’t pressure. Notice what’s going on with your kids.

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Teach your children well.

Easy Does it with Self-Compassion

2011-03-02T19:52:00.000-08:00

Only you can shape the movie that you make.

Going easy on yourself is the subject of recent research generating some talk. For example, if you don’t stick to your diet perfectly, maybe beating yourself up is counterproductive. I don’t mean not setting goals, not having expectations and not trying your best. I mean showing a little self-compassion if you don’t get the 20 new clients this month, don’t finish your to-do list today, or feel tired and sleep an extra hour.

Not surprisingly, those with more self-compassion are happier, less anxious, less angry and do better with goal attainment. Why, you ask? You know, it takes a lot of time and energy to engage your inner critic. Guilt and negativity are also energy zappers. On the other hand, taking a day off to play is replenishing and invigorating. In this way, going easy on yourself can allow you to face your challenges with renewed energy.

How about going easy on yourself? Think about these:

*Where can you be more tolerant of your own failings or limitations? Can you cut yourself some slack and accept your limits or figure out how you can address your limits productively?

*Do you tend to keep your pain inside and hide it from others, maybe even from yourself? Who could you share your troubles with and how would it make you feel to do so?

*How much time do you spend at the pity party? What can you do, instead, to restore sanity, balance and energy?

So don’t bother to run that last mile, eat the ice cream and leave work early this week…just kidding. But seriously, you may not always want to run the last mile you planned because you didn’t get enough rest last night. It’s okay. Tomorrow is a great day for that extra mile.

And if you know who you are, you are your own superstar.
Easy Does It. Supertramp.

Sustaining Your Happiness

2011-02-23T17:45:00.000-08:00

It’s easy to work out for a couple of weeks, practice the occasional random act of kindness, savor a success now and again and write an optimistic entry or two in your journal. Sonja Lyubomirsky has tons of happiness activities in The How of Happiness. The real happiness issue is how to keep these great activities going for the long haul.

Dr. Lyubormirsky has a number of suggestions that are important to try and make use of.

Timing. We all have a good time of day to work, to sleep, or to exercise. These are times that work best for our particular body and mind. Finding the right time for your happiness activities is important. Do you journal best in the morning or before bed? Work out at lunch or need a healthy meal at that point in the day?

Variety. Varying your routine is another factor. Me personally, I like to run in the same place. It’s always different to me and I like the familiarity. Some people need to change it up or they’re bored. They need variety to help keep them on track, so to speak. Which works for you?

Social support. Supportive friends or family help us stick to the program, especially if it’s a new program. We know working out with a buddy makes it easier. Getting family on board with schedule changes you may make to accommodate changes in behavior is also important.

Motivation, effort and commitment. Need I explain? You must have a plan and stick to it religiously whether it’s writing in a gratitude journal once a week, volunteering once a month or swimming three times a week. And as I tell people when it comes to dieting, or changing eating habits, this is a lifetime commitment if you want to keep off the weight. It’s the same for all happiness activities.

Habit. Is it really 66 days to form a habit? I’m dubious. 10,000 hours? The more you do something, the more habitual it becomes. It’s as simple as that. Keep on truckin’.

Mood music: Truckin’, Grateful Dead.

Yoga and the 23 Steps to Contentment

2011-02-21T16:54:00.000-08:00

I talk a lot about yoga as a great form of stress management. Of course yoga is more than just that. It’s more than just the physical stretching. Not to get to woo woo, it’s a way to bring the mind, body and spirit together on a quest for inner peace and tranquility, contentment, or something like that.

Claire Dederer did a great interview about her book, Poser: My Life in Twenty-Three Yoga Poses. She points out that yoga helped her get away from her perfectionism. All yoga instructors teach you that you’re not competing with others in the room, or even with yourself. You are told to notice your body and feelings, not to change them and certainly not to fix them. Dederer notes that yoga helped her become more content with what she had, instead of looking for the path to something different, and presumably better.

I couldn’t agree more. Yoga helps with the acceptance and mindfulness that I find can be so useful for people who want to be more content and less stressed out. And it’s a good way to work on your breathing. Yet, as someone pointed out to me just today, it’s not for everyone. But what is?

Read the first highly amusing and entertaining chapter of Dederer’s book here.

Wouldn’t That be Interesting? James Franco Interview

2011-02-19T13:55:00.000-08:00

…what if I actually was on a soap opera? Wouldn't that be interesting? People would be surprised. Nobody would expect it. And also, it's a different kind of entertainment and acting…I was thinking in a different way at that point. James Franco, October 5, 2010 interview on Fresh Air with Terry Gross, rebroadcast 2/18/11

What I really liked about Franco’s plan was the idea of trying something different, just because it would be interesting. How often do you keep doing what you’re doing, the same thing, because it’s predictable and safe. Trying something different exercises your creativity muscles, tests your courage and feeds your need to learn new things.

Okay, so you’re not a famous actor who has the soap director falling over himself to give you anything that will make you happy. That doesn’t mean you don’t have options. Where can you stretch in your life? Where do you feel stuck in your life?

In your job? Get a volunteer job so you can try out something new. Maybe working with kids, rape survivors or at a hospital is something that will click for you. Audition for the community theater or chorus.

In your home? Clean out that junk room and make it a studio. Get a puppy. Start working on that garden, finally.

In your relationships? Make a weekly date night, have lunch with a friend weekly or join that bird watching group you’ve been eyeing.

In your fitness program? What fitness program, you ask. Well, don’t get me started. There are as many ways to try something new as there are people.

Anyplace you feel stuck, or feel that things are too routine and predictable, is a place to consider something new and different. Have you ever considered auditioning for a soap opera? Wouldn’t that be interesting?

Fresh Air interview

Believing is Seeing

2011-02-11T18:38:00.000-08:00

I borrowed that line from Erik Weihenmayer, who you can see crossing a crevasse on Everest. Oh yeah, he’s gay, excuse me, he’s blind. A news anchor’s error that he repeats and features on his website, telling you something about his sense of humor. That and his love of what he calls a friend’s positive pessimism. Eg., It may be raining, but at least it’s windy. I plan to use positive pessimism for those who insist on taking themselves way too seriously.

I had a wonderful opportunity to see Erik speak the other night. He’s a motivational speaker when not climbing mountains or helping other groups of challenged people (injured vets, blind children and others) learn to climb.

Early on when he completely lost his sight, he thought that the adventures of his life were over. Soon he realized they were just beginning. And I’ll say they were. He’s climbed the highest peaks on 7 continents, something most of us sighted folk wouldn’t even dream of. Proving once again, that whatever doesn’t kill you…

I like the way he talks about people falling into three categories. Quitters, campers and climbers. I’m sure I don’t have to explain the quitters. The campers are interesting. They get to a certain level, and then camp out there. It could be okay. Or not. The climbers though, they keep on going, up and up and up.

When you believe, you can see how far you’re able to go. So what are you? Quitter, camper or climber? What do you want to be starting right now?

Time Management, or, An Hour to Myself

2011-02-08T18:22:00.000-08:00

It's the one thing that's mine. My runs every day are my thing. It's my therapy, my hour to myself. Nobody can really take it away from me... It's such a huge part of me.
Summer Sanders, Olympic Gold Medalist, Swimming

I know, I know. You don’t have time to take an hour for yourself. How about 15 minutes? Perhaps you’ve heard of brief therapy. You don’t even have 15 minutes? Then it’s time to consider time management.

You know about Steven Covey’s time management matrix? It’s a good way to think about what you chose to do. If you’re like most people, you do the important, but not urgent things first. That is, instead of running, meditating, playing your instrument, or whatever you do for your personal therapy, you do the important but not urgent things. These important, not urgent things include returning phone calls, answering email, writing your plans for the day, doing research, etc. The important but not urgent things are often done quickly and don’t take much thought, but they add up. You can spend your entire morning in this kind of mindless activity. Things get done, but you didn’t get your therapy in. I’m not saying you don’t have to get to these things, I’m just saying they’re not priorities.

Then there are the activities that are not important. These include a bunch of things you can delegate or reject completely. You can get your 17 year old to do his/her own laundry, and decline to be on the committee for which your colleague’s brother’s uncle needs you desperately. Also unimportant are things you don’t need to be doing at all. These include things like baking cookies that are actually not as good as the ones you can buy at the bakery, or playing computer games when you’re supposed to be working.

Think about where you can find some time for your therapy, whatever it is. It will help you be creative and productive in your “real” work.

Time. Pink Floyd

Will You Clutch or Choke Under Pressure?

2011-02-06T18:40:00.000-08:00

According to Paul Sullivan in his book Clutch: Why Some People Excel Under Pressure and Others Don’t, there are five key traits that are needed to be clutch. Clutch, by the way, is being able to do what you can do under normal circumstances, when you’re under pressure. Simple, right?

The traits:

1. Focus on the goal

2. Discipline to maintain focus

3. Adaptability, since plans don’t always go as expected. Murphy’s law and all that.

4. Being present in the moment instead of getting distracted by past performances, good or bad

5. Managing the push and pull of fear and desire to enhance performance

You don’t have to be in a superbowl or be a superstar to benefit from these. After all, if superstar Christina Aguilera was more focused, disciplined and present, perhaps she wouldn’t have flubbed the national anthem at the Super Bowl. I gotta feeling she was thinking, I’m not myself tonight. Definitely not clutch.

Hear the interview with Paul Sullivan.

More on focus under pressure.

Be Beautiful: Download the Negative

2011-02-05T11:35:00.000-08:00

I look at running as meditation. It allows me to decompress, download, and get rid of a lot of negative stuff. That's my secret. I go inside myself. Jeff Corwin, conservationist.

We refresh, delete and change up the playlist, not just on our computers but in life and in conversations. But how do we download in life? I like the metaphor of downloading “negative stuff” for getting the stuff out of your head and out into the universe where perhaps it can fertilize something that’s going to grow up and be beautiful.

Definition: transferring from a local computer to a remote computer. In addition to running, there's always the running meditation. If you don’t run, there are many ways to download. Telling a friend, coach or therapist is a download. Writing in your journal is another. We might say that anything that gets info from your head to another place is a download. So writing a novel or a song, or painting a picture, can be a download; you transfer some of the negative stuff to the page.

How about a loving kindness meditation as a download? Perhaps any type of meditative activity, be it traditional meditation, exercise or performance, is a download. Maybe anything that gets you into flow, is a download. When the meditation ends, you find more peace and equanimity. So think about how you download, and take the time to do it. And be beautiful.

For a meditative video, You’re Beautiful, James Blunt

Coffee, Hold the Sugar

2011-01-30T19:39:00.000-08:00

I’m always hearing that my clients can’t eat right because they don’t like veggies or fruits, can’t give up their biscuits (hey, I live in the south) or can’t live without salt.

I remember backpacking when I was 15 and waking up to find that we had coffee (yeah, I was drinking coffee at 15) but NO SUGAR OR MILK. OMG. I had to have the coffee and found that it was the best coffee I’d ever had. When you’re backpacking with freeze dried food, you can see how this might be the case. I took my coffee black after that trip. On subsequent occasions, tasting it with sugar or milk, I found it to be terribly sweet and weak.

There is a subset of people who are genetically picky eaters. They are truly revolted by certain food, tastes or textures. But given my own experience, I was not surprised to learn that, without too much difficulty, most of us can be retrained to eat more veggies, less sugar and less salt. You might try some of these strategies.

* Increase vegetables by mixing your veggie with another flavor (spices, garlic, onion) or food that makes it more palatable.

* Take your coffee and breakfast cereal with less and less sugar over time.

* Gradually reduce salt and add other flavoring if you need it.

* To increase fruit try adding it to cereal where it will also serve as a natural sweetener, or make fruit smoothies.

* Try to make gradual changes if you’re trying to lose weight. Pass up the bread at restaurants. Then the dessert. And of course, be mindful.

Given that children may accept a new food after as many as 15 trials, why not adults? I think you will find that the more you try something, the more natural it becomes. After all, we give up alcohol, cigarettes, people, and various other things we thought we had to have. Once you start feeling healthier it becomes easier. So go from your Starbucks latte to a latte skinny, then a cappuccino skinny, and one day you may graduate to black. Decaf, of course.

And to get in the mood...Black Coffee, Sarah Vaughan

Nobody Cares if You’re Not a Good Dancer

2011-01-24T20:14:00.000-08:00

Nobody cares if you're not a good dancer. Just get up and dance. The same holds true for racing. Whether first or last, we all cross that same finish line. Just get out there and run. Dean Karnazes, Ultrarunner & Writer

Think about that for a moment. How many things do you decide not to do because you think you won’t do them well enough? I’m not advocating mediocrity, but sometimes you just have to get out there and dance. Or write. Or go back to school. Or do karaoke. Or try on-line dating. Or talk to the cute guy/girl at Whole Foods. Or…you fill in the blank.

I’m just saying you have to try not to limit yourself by expectations of perfection, or worry about how you’ll look or sound, or whatever else your inner critic tells you.

After all, if you don’t like dancing, you don’t have to keep doing it. But how will you know if you never try?

For inspiration: Just Dance. Lady Gaga

Have a Technology Cleanse. Play a Boardgame

2011-01-15T19:28:00.000-08:00

I just read an article about a tech detox, which I thought was a great idea. Have you ever thought, or should I say how often have you thought, that you and/or your loved ones are spending too much time with their electronic buddies? I had a glimmer of this after I’d had some minor surgery. As the sedation wore off, I was finally comfortably ensconced in my own bed and my friend asked if I needed anything. My reply…my phone. I justified this by pointing out that no longer having a home phone, my cell is my only connection with potential disasters that may have occurred during my sedation. You didn’t know I was that neurotic?

But seriously, what about a tech vacation, or cleanse, as I prefer to think of it? No tv, computer, cell phone, iWhatever, eBook, eEverything. What would it be like? One of my pet peeves is seeing people walking on beautiful paths, talking on cell phones with one arm up and one shoulder up, making their posture and gait totally unnatural. If that’s not bad enough, they’re often agitated and I find myself wondering about the benefit of the walk. Can’t the call be put off for 30 minutes? Really?

Admittedly, I used to use my iPod when running until I discovered I could run and meditate. Alas, still multitasking. But after reading the article I suggested that my son and I play scrabble, the board game. I have a set that probably dates back much further than I care to remember. No pictures, no fancy colors, no cutsie theme, just the pink, blue and grey squares, remember? We had to keep score with a paper and pencil!!! Great fun.

A little techno music for fun: Manian, Ravers Fantasy

Whatever Does Not Kill You Makes You Stronger

2011-01-12T19:46:00.000-08:00

Does it help to know that the adversity you’re experiencing today is going to make you tougher and better able to handle the adversity you’ll experience at some unknown point in the future? I think it might. It’s like working out and developing muscles you never knew you could have.

Consider the possibilities. You’ve just lost your job, learned you have a potentially serious medical condition, broke up with your boyfriend…or all three at once. Just kidding on that last. Something bad happens and you have to deal with it. And you do. You either use a tried and true coping strategy, or you develop a new one to cope.

A recent study showed that having some amount of adversity, not too much but not too little either, does help us cope in future situations and makes us psychologically healthier. It’s like developing physical toughness by lifting weights, but this is mental toughness, or resilience.

Adopting the mindset that the trial of today is going to lead to more strength in the future is a positive attitude that can only serve you well. We learn how to cope with problems by doing so. We learn that we can cope with problems by seeing ourselves do it.

Next time you have one of those situations, ask yourself, how has this helped me grow and be stronger? What coping muscles have I strengthened or developed? And know that whatever does not kill you will, in fact, make you stronger.

Music to be strong by: County Strong, Gwyneth Paltrow

Stick to Your New Year’s Resolutions: Celebrate Success

2011-01-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

Coaching is big on celebrating achievements. Got the big job? Celebrate. Finished the awesome project? Celebrate. Book published? Celebrate. I’ve clinked virtual glasses filled with virtual champagne in phone calls with clients to celebrate the results of all our hard work.

How about celebrating the small achievements, i.e., those baby steps toward fulfilling your new year’s resolutions. It can be just as big to get to the gym for the first time in 5 years, or to tell the waitress, no bread thank you, for the first time in your life, as it is to get the big project finished.

I think the magic of celebration is in the combination of positive reinforcement (rewarding our good behavior), savoring (a combination noticing and appreciating something we enjoy ) and the element of self-congratulation. We are celebrating our accomplishment internally with a “well done” and an internal high five to really highlight our success. We can do it with a coach or a friend, but we must also learn to do it alone in order to really integrate our excellent outcome with a strong feeling of accomplishment.

I think celebration is an important way to keep those new year’s resolutions going. You have to find a personal way of celebrating that pizza passed up, that run taken in the cold of the morning or that extra time you’ve been spending with your child noticing their efforts or good behavior.

Baby, celebrate good times, come on…Celebration, Kool & The Gang

After you make those New Year's resolutions

2010-12-29T08:58:00.000-08:00

If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run. John Bingham, Runner & author

I love this quote. It speaks to how I feel about running and about so many other things. Which diet plan to choose? Which running shoes should I wear? Which health club do I join? Should I take a dance class or a yoga class? Is it better to tell my kid I love him or spend more time doing things with him? We’re often so caught up in doing the right thing, making the best choice or having the right clothes and equipment that we’re paralyzed and do nothing.

So when you make your New Year’s resolutions keep this secret in mind; it doesn’t matter. That’s right. All you have to do is make a change. No rules. It doesn't have to be the best. Just do something (or stop doing something). Stop drinking soda. Stop having dessert. Cut out whites (that’s foods, not t-shirts). Walk 15 minutes a day. Take a yoga class. Run a mile 3 times a week. Tell your kid you love them once a day. Call your mom once a week. Start writing in your journal.

Whatever your resolution, work on making small changes, or one small change. If you forget to do it one day, just do it the next. Keep building on the small changes you’ve made and, before you know it, you’re a runner, yogi, writer or better parent.

There are no rules for good photographs, there are only good photographs. Ansel Adams

Reduce Holiday Stress. Re-gift

2010-12-19T15:35:00.000-08:00

I am surrounded by people stressing about the holidays. At the office, at the mall (where I went mistakenly thinking picking up a few items was going to be a slam dunk), in restaurants, everywhere. Never one to stand on ceremony, I’m going full disclosure; I have taken some of these suggestions from a recently penned post-divorce blog. It’s kind of like re-gifting, which is a perfectly acceptable stress reducer as long as it’s done unobtrusively. Manage holiday stress with a few changes.

*Acceptance is golden. Last year things didn’t go perfectly well, and they won’t this year. Accept that truth. Aunt Sally didn’t like her sweater (next time get her a gift card) and your dad complained about the turkey. It’s okay to do the best you can. It’s good enough because it has to be. If you and your brother didn’t get along well before, you’re not going to get along better now just because another year has passed. If the kids argue normally, they’re going to argue even though it’s the holidays.

*Money can’t buy you love. In the present economy, most of us just don’t have as much as before. The kids can do with less. Either they’re old enough to understand or too young to care about exactly how much money you spent. Your friends will understand if you don’t have as much to give as you did before.

*Be helpful. Volunteering to serve a holiday dinner to people in need is a fulfilling experience and one that can make even the most stressful holiday warmer and more upbeat. If you can’t serve, considering giving food or money.

*Be thankful. It’s the end of a year and the beginning of another, so be thankful for what you do have. What a great time to start a gratitude journal or a gratitude book for the whole family. And speaking of gifts, gratitude letters are great gifts. So are personalized cards expressing thanks to friends and family for specific things. And so are photo books and other handmade or made-to-order personalized gifts that are not too expensive.

*Be social. Although we don’t always get along with our loved ones, even for the most diehard introverts, holidays are tough alone. If need be, invite yourself someplace. Friends and colleagues are usually more than happy to make room for one or two more.

Happy holidays! Thanks for reading my blog, and feel free to re-gift me anytime.

Say you don't need no diamond ring and I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.
The Beatles. Can’t Buy Me Love.